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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24098449">This Is Why I Hate Mondays</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtomicMint/pseuds/AtomicMint'>AtomicMint</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alive memes, Crack, Dying memes, Hufflepuffs will take over the world, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, Swearing, dead memes, only sometimes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:33:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>25,520</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24098449</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AtomicMint/pseuds/AtomicMint</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Voldemort: *attacks*</p><p>Harry: *turns to face the hidden camera with a deadpan expression*<br/>Harry: this is why I hate Mondays </p><p>*Laugh track plays as Voldemort looks confused in the background*</p><p>Essentially - a bunch of crack that would definitely go on a Tumblr if I could be bothered to get one.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Harry Potter/His ongoing existential crisis, James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Original Percival Graves/Newt Scamander, Regulus Black/Bartemius Crouch Jr., Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>138</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>534</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Percy: *hasn't slept in thirty hours, holding a quill and empty ink pot into the air*<br/>Percy: this. This is my masterpiece <br/>_____<br/> <br/>Oliver: *looming over a terrified first year* <br/>Oliver: you wanna play some quidditch!?<br/>_____ <br/> <br/>Voldemort: *attacks*<br/> <br/>Harry: *turns to face the hidden camera with a deadpan expression* <br/>Harry: this is why I hate Mondays <br/> <br/>*Laugh track plays as Voldemort looks confused in the background*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Hermione: *finishes long speech, one leg on table and arm stretched out in heroic pose* <br/>Hermione: - and this is why the black-market pureblood gambling rings should be destroyed!<br/> <br/>Neville and Luna: *confused but supportive*<br/>Neville and Luna: *clap politely*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Snape: *transfigures the chair into a throne and moves it to the centre if the room* <br/>Snape: here my lord?<br/> <br/>Voldemort: *palm pressed to cheek* <br/>Voldemort: oh I don’t know Severus - do you think it disturbs the feng shui of the room?<br/> <br/>Snape: *rolls eyes and wishes for death*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Sirius: *confused when Barty walks out of a nearby broom cupboard*<br/>Sirius: what were you doing in there<br/> <br/>Barty: *shifty, glances to the side*<br/>Barty: ... things. I was doing things<br/> <br/>Regulus: *following Barty out, clothes and hair dishevelled, spares Sirius a glance*<br/>Regulus: hi brother <br/>Regulus: I'm things<br/>______<br/>Harry: *washing Dudley's underwear* <br/> <br/>Voldemort: *appears magically in a puff of ominous black smoke*<br/>Voldemort: Harry Potter! I am here to kill you!<br/> <br/>Harry: *chucks white underwear into mixed colour wash, like a rebel*<br/>Harry: fucking finally. What took you so long<br/> <br/>Voldemort: ?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Hermione: to get the keys for the door...<br/> <br/>Ron: *slamming fist into palm*<br/>Ron: we'll have to use the brooms <br/> <br/>Oliver: *from a distance. Echoing*<br/>Oliver:... broom?<br/> <br/>Harry: did you guys hear something - <br/>______<br/> <br/>Dumbledore:*offers Minerva some lemon drops*<br/>Dumbledore: drugs for the road?<br/> <br/>Minerva: what.<br/> <br/>Dumbledore: what?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Ginny: *exhausted and hungry after winning the final battle*<br/>Ginny: hey Nev. What you eating?<br/> <br/>Neville: *guilty, surfaces from plastic container of protein powder and clutches it close to his chest* <br/>Neville: .... nothing.<br/>______<br/> <br/>Draco: *third year, irritated at losing a quidditch game, comes across neville in a corridor*<br/>Draco: move it Longbottom or I'll kill you<br/> <br/>Neville: *under his breath* <br/>Neville: please do<br/> <br/>Draco: *softer, puts hand on Neville's shoulder in support* <br/>Draco: hey. We've talked about this <br/>______<br/> <br/>Crabbe: *looking up at the clouds*<br/>Crabbe: I see a unicorn<br/> <br/>Goyle: *to draco, shaking his fist after hitting crabbe in the head*<br/>Goyle: i see a concussion<br/>______<br/> <br/>Susan: *to a mirror, wearing swanky new outfit ready for hogsmeade*<br/>Susan: I am ready to fucking slay <br/> <br/>Mirror: *disgruntled*<br/>Mirror: language!<br/>______<br/> <br/>Krum: *hunting for some fur to add some finishing touches to his yule ball outfit*<br/>Krum: here kitty kitty<br/> <br/>Minerva: *hiding behind armour, panting*<br/>Minerva: What the flying fuck <br/>______<br/> <br/>Oliver: *crouching in spare quidditch cupboard*<br/>Oliver: you're my brooms. All of you are minneeeeee</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bill: *trying to explain to charlie that dragons are dangerous* <br/>Bill: so they breathe fire, have sharp claws and can eat you for dinner <br/> <br/>Charlie: *six years old, concentrating, nods in resolution*<br/>Charlie: but they cute tho<br/> <br/>Bill: well yes but no<br/>______<br/> <br/>Ginny: *her first year, possessed and trying to catch up with homework*<br/> <br/>Hermione: *helpful but a bit of a know it all at this point*<br/>Hermione: oh that's easy, just times it by three Ginny <br/> <br/>Ginny: *under her breath, eyes glowing red*<br/>Ginny: I'll leave your bones in the chamber, bitch <br/>______<br/> <br/>Squid: *floats by the slytherin common room* <br/> <br/>Random slytherin firstie: *faints*<br/>______<br/> <br/>George: *slamming his head into the table*<br/>George: I. Just. Dont. Get. It.<br/> <br/>Fred: *shaking his finger and tutting*<br/>Fred: when I was your age this shit was easy <br/> <br/>George: you're two minutes older! </p><p>Fred: which means I’m two minutes wiser little brother <br/>______<br/>Salazar: *glaring up at castle*<br/>Salazar: how comes Godric gets a tower. I want a tower. Why didn't we build more towers? Why would I want a dungeon when I can have a tower? Gimme a motherfuckin tower - <br/>______<br/> <br/>Seamus: *in detention with umbridge,  staring up at kittens trapped in plates* <br/>Seamus: wonder what the RSPCA would think about this <br/>______<br/> <br/>Remus: *accidentally spills pumpkin juice on Snape's favourite potions textbook*<br/> <br/>Snape: I swear a vendetta against your family you disgusting mongrel- <br/>______<br/> <br/>Regulus: *when Sirius gets home after first year. Solemn faced with his hands clenched*<br/>Regulus: you know, now you’re a Gryffindor I just can't take you SIRIUS-ly. I never know when you’re LION to me!<br/>______<br/> <br/>Bellatrix: *sneers at Hogwarts teachers, backed up by a load of death eaters*<br/>Bellatrix: well. What you gonna do to stop us - <br/> <br/>Minerva: *takes out wand*<br/> <br/>Bellatrix: *suddenly alone as death eaters flee*<br/>Bellatrix: wait where did everyone g- <br/>______<br/> <br/>Bill: *talking shop with the goblins*<br/> <br/>Fleur: *bored*<br/> <br/>Bill: oh yeah I got my ear pierced recentl- <br/> <br/>Fleur: HAVE MY FUCKING BABIES <br/>______<br/> <br/>Victor: *accidentally transfigures head into a goldfish instead of a shark*<br/>Victor: *garbled*<br/>Victor: I meant to do this.<br/>______<br/> <br/>Ron: *sighs as he sits down in front of camera with serious face* <br/>Ron: okay so I'm starting to feel really underappreciated around here and - <br/> <br/>Cameraman: *turns of camera and moves it away. Leaving Ron gaping in the background* <br/>______<br/> <br/>Sirius: *randomly finds leather jacket in broom cupboard*<br/>Sirius: *angsty teen mode activates*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Dean: *drunk off his arse*<br/>Dean: no homo but bro I think I love you<br/> <br/>Fang:  woof</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius: *barges in and immediately backs out laughing as remus shoves something under his  duvet*<br/>Sirius: mate<br/>Sirius: put a sock on the door if you're about to get it on<br/> <br/>Remus: *nervous, sweating*<br/>Remus: that's not what I was doing!<br/> <br/>Sirius: *raises eyebrows but leaves* <br/> <br/>Remus: *slowly pulls out squeaky chew toy and raises it back up to his mouth*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Hedwig: *descending onto random London street into a crowd of pigeons*<br/>Hedwig: I am your leader now<br/>______<br/> <br/>Lily:*talking to her friends, sees James messing around and rolls her eyes*<br/>Lily: bet he's thinking something disgusting about me right now <br/> <br/>James: *genuinely curious*<br/>James: how high would a kangaroo jump if you put it on a trampoline?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Fudge: *looking down at some shit budget reports.* <br/>Fudge: *looks up at his secretary, whistling as he burns the papers*<br/>Fudge: fancy a trip to Barbados?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Blaise: *coughing into hand and smoothing back his hair. Smirks*<br/>Blaise: anxiety ain't never looked so good <br/>______<br/> <br/>Voldemort: I am here to kill Harry Potter!<br/> <br/>Harry: *pulls out grenade launcher*<br/>Harry: bitch say what?<br/> <br/>Voldemort: what.<br/>______<br/> <br/>Draco: *foaming at the mouth*<br/>Draco: I have had it up to here with you potter - <br/> <br/>Harry: *fed up. Walks straight up to Draco, grabs his wand and yeets it out the window*<br/>Harry: fetch <br/>______<br/> <br/>Minerva: *hacks up furball*<br/>Minerva: oops <br/>______<br/> <br/>Oliver: *pumped up, giving a speech before the match*<br/>Oliver: you've got two options boys and girls. Win and win.<br/> <br/>Katie: what if we dont win?<br/> <br/>Oliver: *glares*<br/> <br/>Angela: guess I'll die then<br/>______<br/> <br/>Flint: *pumped up, giving a speech before the match* <br/>Flint: beat their bloody fucking brains in </p>
<p>Draco: but wha-</p>
<p>Flint: *glares*</p>
<p>Draco: *salutes*<br/>Draco: sir yes sir <br/>______<br/> <br/>Harry: *nervous before the first task*<br/>Harry: how are you guys so calm right now?<br/> <br/>Fleur: cannabis <br/> <br/>Cedric: cocaine <br/> <br/>Victor: ketamine <br/> <br/>Harry: ...<br/> <br/>Cedric: want some?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Hermione: *attends a single muggle yoga lesson*<br/> <br/>Instructor: and just breathe out all your negativity - <br/> <br/>Hermione: *screams loudly. Three times.*<br/>Hermione: wow. Kinda works <br/> <br/>Instructor and class: what<br/>______<br/> <br/>Riddle: - and then it actually turns out that my mother was a witch which means she poisoned my father so that he would - <br/> <br/>Basilisk: *recently woken from it's long sleep so Tom had someone to talk to*<br/>Basilisk: ?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Neville: *facing a boggart for the first time since the final battle*<br/> <br/>Boggart: *is an empty protein powder container*<br/> <br/>Neville: fuck this shit I'm out <br/>______<br/> <br/>Ron: hermione, please help me. Snape will kill me if I don't get this homework in<br/> <br/>Hermione: *absolutely done with this bullshit*<br/>Hermione: then die</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Snape: *sees the colours green and red together*<br/>Snape: *starts sobbing*<br/> <br/>(Extra) <br/> <br/>Minerva: *raising an eyebrow*<br/>Minerva: if you're this bad now I'd hate to see you at Christmas <br/>_____<br/> <br/>Sirius: wingardium leviosa <br/> <br/>*tennis ball slowly rises into the air until its eye level with remus who gains a predatory look* <br/> <br/>James and Peter: *look at each other. Nod*<br/>James and Peter: wingardium leviosa <br/>______<br/> <br/>Flitwick: *tiptoes down the stairs to a very specific corner of the dungeons and performs a complicated charm to reveal a large pile of gold galleons scavenged from around the castle* <br/>Flitwick: cackles<br/>______<br/> <br/>Draco: where the hell is your wand Potter?<br/> <br/>Harry: *winks*<br/>Harry: wouldn't you like to know <br/> <br/>Draco: *splutters*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Sirius: *brushes drapes of Remus' bed to the side* <br/>Sirius:  are you ready to come out now?<br/> <br/>Remus:  *crouches beneath the bed, hissing and snarling, flashing his golden eyes as he bites close to Sirius' hand*<br/> <br/>Sirius: *closes the drapes*<br/>Sirius: understandable. Have a nice day<br/>______<br/>Moody: where ya keeping your wand Albus <br/> <br/>Albus: *winks*<br/>Albus: wouldn't you like to know<br/> <br/>Moody: *shakes his head and backs away slowly*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Death eater: *appears* <br/> <br/>Hannah: what the fuck do we do. What the fuck do we do. Whatthefuckdowedo<br/> <br/>Ginny:  leg it!<br/> <br/>Moody: *appears*<br/>Moody: *punts his fake leg at the death eater and knocks him out* <br/> <br/>Ginny: ... <br/>Ginny: well I guess that works too <br/>______<br/> <br/>Rabastan: you alright there Bellatrix?<br/> <br/>Bellatrix: well... *pulls a lizard out of her hair*<br/>Bellatrix: I dunno. I'm just not feeling it. Might just stick to spiders <br/>______<br/> <br/>Mclaggen: *barges into harry* <br/> <br/>Harry: *innocently turning to face mclaggen*<br/>Harry: can I help you?<br/> <br/>Mclaggen: you can - <br/> <br/>Fred and George: *loom menacingly behind Harry. All wide grins and wild eyes*<br/> <br/>Mclaggen: you can stand back and let me open this door for you<br/>______<br/> <br/>Regulus: *done with the world, somehow awake for six days straight*<br/>Regulus: *looks Barty in the eye, serious* <br/>Regulus: let's elope<br/> <br/>Barty: *confused but completely besotted*<br/>Barty: ok<br/>______<br/> <br/>Lucius: so why didn't you come to receive our lord’s mark and favour?<br/> <br/>Barty: *distracted by admiring diamond ring on his finger, shrugs* <br/>Barty: busy weekend <br/>______<br/> <br/>Theo: *determined to finish his homework, work spread out across his desk as he stands above it and looks down upon his evil bounty* <br/>Theo: sleep is for the weak<br/>Theo: *turns around and heads toward his bed.* <br/>Theo: and I <br/>Theo: *pulls off robes to reveal pyjamas beneath as he jumps under his duvet and turns off the light* <br/>Theo: I am very weak<br/>______<br/> <br/>Fred: *peering down at map, sees the name hovering on top of Quirrel*<br/>Fred: *closes the map*<br/>______<br/> <br/>*Giant roaring beast, shiny teeth bared and back covered in sharp spikes ploughs through a village leaving death and destruction in its wake*<br/> <br/>Hagrid, Newt and Charlie: awww he so cute <br/>______<br/> <br/>Sorting hat: *figuring out new song for the next year* <br/>Sorting hat: cool, fool, school - <br/>Sorting hat: rhyming sucks and sentience is the cruelest of curses</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius: *thinking he's alone* <br/>Sirius: MAMAAAAA JUST KILLED A MANNNN <br/>Sirius: PUT A GUN AGAINST HIS HEAD <br/>Sirius: PULLED MY TRIGGER NOW HE'S DEADDDD<br/> <br/>Remus: *watches Sirius dance around the dormitory screaming at the top of his lungs, ignores fluttering of stomach and slowly backs away. Closing the door behind him*<br/>Remus: I saw nothing.<br/>______<br/> <br/>Basilisk: *trapped within Slytherin's statue*<br/>Basilisk: what i wouldn't do for some barbecue ribs right now <br/>______<br/> <br/>Harry: *young and still with the Dursleys. Staring at the cupboard door* <br/>Harry: I wish I was a dandelion <br/> <br/>Horocrux in Harry's scar: wtf.<br/>______<br/> <br/>Petunia: *dies naturally after a long life, opens her eyes to see-* <br/> <br/>Lily: *twirling a metal bat, James looming at her shoulder*<br/>Lily: *smiles*<br/> <br/>Petunia: OH SHITE<br/>______<br/> <br/>Snape: *a dentist, literally stabs his patient*<br/>Snape: fool, your gums are bleeding caus you don't floss </p>
<p>Patient: t-thats my leg?</p>
<p>Snape: *stabs the other leg*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Hermione: *after exams, wondering if she's doomed*<br/>Hermione: I might die if I forget how to breathe<br/> <br/>Ron: *Pats her head*<br/>Ron: sure<br/>______<br/> <br/>Dean: *under his breath* <br/>Dean: sweet caroline...<br/> <br/>Seamus: *breaks through door, tosses desk out of his way, grabs a shocked dean by the shoulders* <br/>Seamus: BUM BUM BUMMMMMM<br/>______<br/> <br/>Random woman: I'm sorry Sev, I dont think this relationship is going to work<br/> <br/>Snape: *shoving ring back into pocket*<br/>Snape: *throwing red wig and green contacts over the back of the couch*<br/>Snape: k<br/>______<br/> <br/>*on the newest episode of my strange addiction* <br/> <br/>Hermione: *holding up knitted gloves and hat*<br/>Hermione: it started off as a symbol of house elf rights but - <br/>Hermione: *looks to the left*<br/> <br/>*Camera pans to show knitted replica of Hogwarts, complete with students and teachers* <br/> <br/>Hermione: I might have a problem <br/>______<br/> <br/>Cedric: *still high as they wait for the first task to begin*<br/>Cedric: if a punch myself and it hurts am I weak or strong?<br/> <br/>Fleur: weak<br/> <br/>Krum: strong <br/> <br/>Harry: *rolls eyes*<br/>Harry: an idiot <br/>______<br/> <br/>Harry: *five years old, looking between Vernon and the lawnmower* <br/>Harry: I can't <br/> <br/>Harry: *eleven years old, quirrel asking for the philosopher's stone*<br/>Harry: I cannot <br/> <br/>Harry: *recently turned twenty, trying to get up from bed*<br/>Harry: I have lost the ability to can<br/>______<br/> <br/>Fred: *using a magic notebook to talk to george, having been caught setting fireworks in Snape's classroom*<br/>Fred: I'm in detention <br/> <br/>George: and?<br/> <br/>Fred: you know how we finish each others sentences <br/> <br/>George: go fuck yourself <br/>______<br/> <br/>Minerva: *meeting weasley twins for first time  when Molly visits*<br/>Minerva: twins?<br/> <br/>Molly: *running on no sleep, eyes wide as she leans closer and whispers, pointing at George*<br/>Molly: you see him too?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Harry: the only straight I am is a straight up bitch <br/>______<br/> <br/>Regulus: *goes to london and sees a random bin at the side of the street*<br/>Regulus: home sweet home <br/>______<br/> <br/>*somewhere deep in the recesses of the library*<br/> <br/>Hermione: *curled up and stroking a hand across the cover of a five thousand page book*<br/>Hermione: you're the only one who understands me </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>George: *sees pettigrew's name hovering over Ron's bed*<br/>George: *closes map* <br/>______<br/> <br/>Rowena: we need a way to sort students <br/> <br/>Helga: it has to properly represent our school<br/> <br/>Salazar: it must be respectable <br/> <br/>Godric: *quietly removes his hat*<br/>Godric: hey guys I've got an idea <br/>______<br/> <br/>Remus: *looks down at his christmas present from Sirius*<br/> <br/>Sirius: *preening*<br/>Sirius: I knew youd like it, it's a muggle tennis ball dispenser so you can play fetch all you like <br/> <br/>Remus: thanks I hate it<br/>______<br/> <br/>Grindelwald: *dramatically raising his wand, as he lectures* <br/>Grindelwald: - and this is why us wizards are superior to the mundane. We need to rise up in order to not lose our lives on the wars to co - are you even listening to me?!?!?<br/> <br/>Newt: *distracted, hugging a threstral foal to his chest, cooing*<br/>Newt: sorry, did you say something?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Draco: *watching Harry rise from the water after the second task, running a hand through his wet hair and glancing to the side as he emerges*<br/>Draco: oh no he's hot <br/>______<br/> <br/>Sirius: *aghast as he talks to james* <br/>Sirius: those rumours are complete bullshit Prongs, my Reggie would never be in a relationship like that. He likes to take it slow!<br/> <br/>Barty: *passing by, overhears and smirks*<br/>Barty: he likes to take it slow? I heard differently last night <br/>______<br/> <br/>Bellatrix: *trips and falls into Voldemort, sending them both flying*<br/>Bellatrix: oh my lord, is that your wand or your mighty snake - <br/> <br/>Voldemort: *pushes her off and stands opening his robes to reveal Nagini curled around his waist* <br/> <br/>Nagini: hiss.<br/>______<br/> <br/>Arthur: *holding a rubber duck and raising it into the air*<br/>Arthur: oh wow, what an amazing muggle contraption. I wonder what it's for?<br/> <br/>Harry: *passing by*<br/>Harry: oh that's the vessel of a demon, filled with evil, that the muggles tame and entertain themselves with <br/> <br/>Arthur: ... <br/>Arthur: *slowly puts rubber duck down and takes a large step back*<br/>Arthur: ... remarkable. I'll admire it from a distance.<br/>______<br/> <br/>Neville: *finally summons his patronus, stares down at the glowing blue dumbbells and running machine*<br/>Neville: I'm okay with this<br/>______<br/> <br/>Dumbledore: *alone, taking to Fawkes*<br/>Dumbledore: look Fawkes! I'm finally down with the kids! <br/>Dumbledore: *dabs*<br/> <br/>Fawkes: *spontaneously combusts, three months early*<br/>______</p><p>Regulus: *watching death eaters trying to work out some tactical plans and fail spectacularly*<br/>Regulus: if I was a dark lord I'd choose followers with some common sense<br/> <br/>Barty: *blinks*<br/>Barty: hmmmmmm<br/>______<br/> <br/>Minerva: *exhausted, returns from a staff meeting and stumbles into her room*<br/>Minerva: ... no one will know<br/>Minerva: *pulls a small bag of catnip out from underneath her matress*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Sirius: I'm not a man whore. <br/> <br/>James, Peter and Remus: *all send him condescending expressions*<br/> <br/>Sirius: *raises nose into air*<br/>Sirius: no really I'm not!<br/>Sirius: I'm just not a fussy eater and I have a big appetite - I'll have a bit of everything and I won’t hesitate to go back for seconds <br/>______<br/> <br/>James: I will put my A down to spell A <br/> <br/>Peter: and I'll add N, to spell AN<br/> <br/>Remus: *peers down at board before sending Sirius a smug glance* <br/>Remus: and I'll just add a couple of letters to spell ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIANISM <br/> <br/>Sirius: ...<br/>Sirius: THATS NOT EVEN CLOSE TO FAIR. DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW THIS GAME WORKS<br/>Sirius: *flips the board and rugby tackles the fleeing werewolf* <br/>______<br/> <br/>Blaise: *peering into mirror*<br/>Blaise: do you think, if I get a cool and emotionally demanding scar, I'll get more screen time?<br/> <br/>Daphne: *checking her nails* <br/>Daphne: please Blaise. The public has to go through enough torture by being forced to look at your ugly face. Don’t make this any harder for them.<br/>Daphne: *flips hair over her shoulder and leaves*<br/> <br/>Tracy: *silently flips a conjured scoreboard to give Daphne an extra point* </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Kreacher: Master Regulus must be protected </p><p>Barty: *nodding, lifts hand to his chin*<br/>Barty: we should make a club of loyal people who surrounds him and serves him and looks after him and... are you thinking what I'm thinking</p><p>Kreacher: We need a uniform</p><p>Barty: okay you're not thinking what I'm thinking but that IS a good idea<br/>______</p><p>Crabbe: *shrugs*<br/>Crabbe: I may not look it, but I'm the lovable one.</p><p>Hermione: uh... okay?</p><p>Crabbe: I give good hugs<br/>______<br/> <br/>Firenze: *looks at the moon*<br/>Firenze: the moon's bright tonight, someone's feeling a bit cheeky <br/>______<br/> <br/>Slughorn: *showing off at his party:<br/>Slughorn: of course I know a lot of famous muggles, there's a reason the Kardashians are blessed with certain assets, and it isn't plastic surgery <br/>______<br/> <br/>Hedwig: *leading her immense troop of pigeons back to the Hogwarts owlery*<br/>Hedwig: with your help, my minions, soon we will rule them all!!!<br/>______<br/> <br/>Kreacher: *staring at Regulus, hunched over his desk doing calculations*<br/>Kreacher: master is Kreacher's only reason to live <br/> <br/>Barty: *nearby, reclining on bed*<br/>Barty: same<br/> <br/>Regulus: *throwing hands into air as he finally figures out his problem*<br/>Regulus: Merlin's spot ridden halfwit half brother's wife's beard's girlfriend's hairy ball sack... I've figured it out!<br/> <br/>Barty and Kreacher: *sigh dreamily*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Molly: Arthur I'm pregnant <br/> <br/>Arthur: hello pregnant, I'm Arthur - WAIT WHAT THE FUCK ANOTHER ONE!?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Harry: *embraces voldemort*<br/> <br/>Voldemort: what the fuck Potter <br/> <br/>Harry: *disgruntled*<br/>Harry: all my friends keep calling me a pussy so I told 'em that I'd embrace evil. You're the closest I can get so shut up and hug me<br/> <br/>Voldemort: *still confused but somewhat flattered, slowly raises arms to hug Harry back*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Newt: *nervously reaches out a hand to Percival to shake*<br/>Newt: hi<br/> <br/>Graves: *internally*<br/>Graves: you're amazing and adorable. I love you. I would die for you.<br/>Graves: *out loud* <br/>Graves: good afternoon Scamander. You're late.<br/>______</p><p>Dumbledore: *snickering*<br/>Dumbledore: I'm tired of you telling me to 'goat' away!<br/> <br/>Aberforth: *determinedly ignoring him as he cleans a glass, grumbling under his breath* <br/>Aberforth: you get drunk and try to seduce a goat ONE TIME and all of a sudden it's the only thing anyone remembers about you </p><p>Dumbledore: you were just to hoofing horny</p><p>Aberforth: *throws the pint glass at his head*  Aberforth: that doesnt even make any FUCKING sense <br/>______<br/> <br/>Lily: *looking James up and down as the gryffindor house prepares for a party, raises an eyebrow*<br/>Lily: wow, you almost clean up good <br/> <br/>James: *perks up, smoothing out robes before dragging a hand through his hair* <br/>James: you think I look good?<br/> <br/>Lily: I said almost, Potter. Magic is amazing but it can't work miracles you know<br/>Lily: *rolls her eyes and walks off*<br/> <br/>James: *dreamily*<br/>James: I think I'm getting to her padfoot - <br/> <br/>Sirius: *slams his face into his palm*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Draco: *righteously furious, slams open door*<br/>Draco: Potter you little - <br/> <br/>Harry: *sits next to his summoned patronus, the blue light creating a strange halo around him as he turns to stare up at Draco with his big green eyes*<br/>Harry: can I help you?<br/> <br/>Draco: *shocked, slowly backs away, mutters an apology and shuts the door*<br/>______<br/> <br/>James: it was that easy?<br/>James: *after Remus helps him with wand movement*<br/>James: Remus are you fucking serious???<br/> <br/>Remus: *goes bright red and glances to the side*<br/> <br/>Sirius: *leans over and cocks an eyebrow suggestively*<br/>Sirius: well he isn’t yet... but I wouldn't say no<br/>______</p><p>Barty: *A third year, looms over some second year Hufflepuffs* <br/>Barty: Say, have you guys heard of our future lord and saviour, Regulus Black </p><p>Brave Hufflepuff: *steps forward*<br/>Brave Hufflepuff: you gonna pay us?</p><p>Barty: sure</p><p>Brave Hufflepuff: *nods, satisfied:<br/>Brave Hufflepuff: Then we’ve heard and we’re ready to worship</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dumbledore: *teaching, realises he hasn't brought up a plant from the greenhouse*<br/>Dumbledore: can you fetch the plant, Newt?<br/> <br/>Newt: *standing up and shuffling away, not meeting anyone's eyes*<br/>Newt: yeah sure I'll be right back<br/>Newt: *reaches the greenhouse but is distracted by a nearby hippogriff at the edge of the forest of death*<br/>Newt: a few minutes won't hurt...<br/> <br/>Dumbledore: *class has ended and an additional four hours have passed*<br/>Dumbledore: wonder if he got lost<br/>______<br/> <br/>Hermione: *locked in the Malfoy cells*<br/>Hermione: this is mildly concerning <br/> <br/>Hermione: *spills ink on parchment, staining her recently completed homework* <br/>Hermione: the universe wants me dead <br/>______<br/> <br/>Daphne: *drags her eyes up and down Pansy* <br/>Daphne: you remind me of a russian doll. Full of yourself and painted pretty so people don't see your wooden personality until it's too late.<br/> <br/>Tracy: *flips over score sign in background*<br/> <br/>Pansy: *sneers*<br/>Pansy: and you've always sounded better with your mouth closed, I'm jealous of the people who haven't heard you speak<br/> <br/>Blaise: *confused, leans over to Theo*<br/>Blaise: arent they supposed to be friends?<br/> <br/>Theo: *shrugs and averts his eyes*<br/>Theo: they are. Girls are complicated.<br/> <br/>Tracy: *flips her sign some more in the background*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Susan: *to a misbehaving first year*<br/>Susan: I've got a Bones to pick with you<br/> <br/>Ernie: *shaking his head*<br/>Ernie: how long have you been waiting to use that one <br/> <br/>Susan: *slightly embarrassed*<br/>Susan: too long <br/>______<br/> <br/>Dobby: *sneakily collects all of Lucius' black robes and dyes them pink with magical dye*<br/>Dobby: *cackles*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Ollivander: *holds a wand near his fire, eyes narrowed*<br/>Ollivander: keep playing up and don't think I won't - <br/>______<br/> <br/>Flitwick: *diligently attaching little glittery wings to the keys, playing music in the background*<br/>Flitwick: oh arent you all adorable<br/>______<br/> <br/>Oliver: *waking up in the middle of the night and sitting up, staring into the bed drapes*<br/>Oliver: broom.<br/> <br/>Percy: *exhausted and done with his roommates’ shit, throws a pillow*<br/>Percy: shut the fuck up Wood<br/>______<br/> <br/>Bloody baron: *looks down at the bloody diadem in his hands, reels his arm back and yeets it into the distance*<br/>Bloody Baron: if I can't have it, no one can<br/>______<br/> <br/>Regulus: *watches his family be as dramatic as humanly possible, from a distance*<br/>Regulus: I must be adopted<br/>______<br/> <br/>Muggle entertainer: say it with me kids, abracadabra!<br/> <br/>Magical child: *bursts into tears*<br/> <br/>Parent: *running in and punching the entertainer in the face* <br/>Parent: the fuck did you just say - <br/>______<br/> <br/>*teachers stare up at wall covered in Voldemort propaganda grafitti*<br/> <br/>Draco: *passing by*<br/>Draco: wow someone’s got the right idea. I wonder what genius thought this up<br/> <br/>Minerva: oh gee I don't know -<br/>Minerva: *points to Draco's signature under dark mark illustration*<br/>Minerva: - maybe the idiot who couldn't resist signing his work <br/> <br/>Draco:*whistles as he stares off to the side and slowly backs away* <br/>______<br/> <br/>Fred: WHAT DO WE WANT?! <br/> <br/>Gryffindor first years: No Snape!<br/> <br/>George: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?! <br/> <br/>Gryffindor first years: Now! <br/> <br/>Fred: HOW WE GONNA GET I- <br/> <br/>Snape: *entering the scene and raising an eyebrow at the sight of the whole of gryffindor's first year gathered around the twins* <br/>Snape: and what...? Is going on here?<br/> <br/>Everyone but Snape: *screams*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Regulus: *Trips on a cracked slab of stone and starts to fall*</p><p>Nearby Hufflepuff: *Leaps in front of Regulus and takes his weight, acting like a human shield between him and the floor. After the collision she stands up and helps him to his feet, dusts him down, nods and leaves.*</p><p>Regulus: wtf.<br/>______</p><p>*luna holds Neville's latest floral masterpiece in hand as he talks to luna, the two walking the length of the lake. Nearby Draco has Crabbe and Goyle looming above some hufflepuffs*<br/> <br/>Luna: the nargles don’t like it when you hurt others, please stop <br/> <br/>Draco: *sneering* <br/>Draco: what's it to you and your coward of a boyfriend Loony?<br/> <br/>Luna: *blinks* <br/>Luna: what d'you say about Neville.<br/> <br/>Draco: *confused but still haughty*<br/>Draco: do you need to get your ears cleaned out? I called him a coward!<br/> <br/>Luna: *passes flower to Neville*<br/>Luna: hold my flower.<br/> <br/>Neville: *in awe, clutches plant closer to his chest* <br/>Neville: kick his ass Luna, I got the flower </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Newt: *looking into a hipograff's eyes adoringly*<br/>Newt: I wish I wasn't human <br/> <br/>Graves: *hiding behind conveniently placed tree*<br/>Graves: I wish you weren't so goddamn perfect.<br/>______<br/> <br/>*sex ed with the Gryffindors*<br/> <br/>Minerva: full lecture mode, wand out and pointing to intricate diagrams on her board*<br/>Minerva: this particular magical strain results in warts blossoming in all of the private areas, including behind the ears, which glow purple and itch like ten gnat bites combined into one hellish megabite.<br/> <br/>Gryffindors: *expressions range from shock to anguish, fear, confusion and dread* <br/> <br/>Minerva: *raises eyebrow*<br/>Minerva: any questions?<br/> <br/>Hermione: *starts to raise her hand to ask a question* <br/> <br/>Gryffindors: *fearing for their lives and sanity*<br/>Gryffindors: NO!<br/> <br/>Hermione: *lowers hand, somewhat sheepishly* <br/> <br/>Minerva: *snaps wand against board to reveal new chalk illustrations*<br/>Minerva: and now we move on to our essential guide to effective condom application - <br/>______<br/> <br/>Dobby: *waves a chain of Hermione made socks he's weaved together above his head like a lasso and snaps Lucius' favourite walking stick like a whip. Eyes up innocent herd of a certain someone's favourite white peacocks* <br/>Dobby: now Dobby is a free elf -<br/>Dobby: *vaults over fence and charges forward*<br/>Dobby: DOBBY CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK HE WANTS!<br/>______<br/> <br/>*sex ed with the hufflepuffs* <br/> <br/>Pomona: *holds up plant*<br/>Pomona: this is a devil's snare<br/>Pomona: *holds up another plant* <br/>Pomona: and this is a venomous tentacular <br/>Pomona: *places them to the side and whips out another plant - this time hidden in the pot* <br/>Pomona: and this is mandrake - which forms when the other two don’t keep their naughty bits together. So be careful you lot, and use protection. Or you'll have a mandrake of your very own.<br/> <br/>Zachariah: *deadpan*<br/>Zachariah: Imma have a what.<br/>______<br/> <br/>Wormtail: *bored, starts humming under his breath* <br/>Wormtail: uh uh uh uh staying alive staying alive. Uh uh uh uh staying alive staying alive. Uh uh uh uh staying aliiiivvvvveeee - <br/> <br/>Voldemort: *ominously, from his throne*<br/>Voldemort: not for long <br/>______<br/> <br/>Flitwick: *nervously, twisting his hands. Hasn't got any ideas on how to teach sex ed to humans, went to his goblin brethren for help and they suggested some videos for research*<br/>Flitwick: so first things first boys, choose carefully because you will not live through this. These girls are ruthless, they will have your head for this - literally. To demonstrate my point, I'll refer to my research...<br/>Flitwick: *charms board to reflect pages of book detailing the mating habits of the praying mantis*<br/> <br/>Students: *stare with wide eyes, expressions horrified*<br/> <br/>Flitwick: ikr. Women are terrifying.<br/>______</p><p>Regulus: *whispers* <br/>Regulus: I think I'm being stalked by Hufflepuffs</p><p>Barty: nah<br/>Barty: *sends a thumbs up to a nearby Hufflepuff peering through the window*<br/>______</p><p>Ginny: *watching the quidditch team impersonate the slytherins. Running around with their noses in the air and using overly posh voices*<br/>Ginny: I'm the only sane one in this team<br/> <br/>Ron: *nearby, snorts into his drink*<br/>Ron: sure you are Gin. Sure you are.<br/>______<br/> <br/>*sex ed with the slytherins*<br/> <br/>Snape: *sneering, snaps out* <br/>Snape: love? Love between a man and a woman is meaningless, it has no purpose. All it leads to is heartache and despair. Boys, no woman will ever love you. She's always going to choose the other guy. Ladies, men are selfish and the ones you choose will never appreciate you.<br/> <br/>Draco: *frowning*<br/>Draco: what about if two men get together? ... just asking for a friend of course.<br/> <br/>Snape: *blinks as he is assaulted by flashbacks of finding Barty and Regulus holed up in random broom cupboards*<br/>Snape: horny bastards.<br/> <br/>Theo: excuse me?<br/> <br/>Blaise: *shrugging*<br/>Blaise: well he ain't wrong <br/>______<br/> <br/>Grawp: *claps*<br/> <br/>Forest of death: *trembles in fear*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Lockhart: *waking up in St Mungos, still without his memory, looking in mirror*<br/>Lockhart: wow that's a pretty fantastic smile you've got there. Could win awards with that.<br/>______</p><p>Hufflepuff third year: *Earnestly trying to convert a house elf*<br/>Hufflepuff third year: At first I didn’t believe in the cause. But after stalki – WATCHING our lord Black for a year I really see what Crouch sees in the him. Crouch doesn’t even have to pay us anymore! When he rises as a notorious dark lord, he will have the loyalty of all the Hufflepuffs. We will raise our wands in defence of Regulus Black!</p><p>*In the background a paranoid Regulus turns the corner, glancing round for lurking Hufflepuffs. When he sees the third year he screams and runs in the opposite direction. After a moment, three Hufflepuffs jump out of nearby bushes in hot pursuit*</p><p>Hufflepuff third year: *shrugs down at the nervous house elf*<br/>Hufflepuff third year: Just think about it. Have a nice day!<br/>Hufflepuff third year: *races off after Regulus’ rapidly retreating form*<br/>______</p><p>Dobby: *to Winky in Hogwarts, whispering*<br/>Dobby: soon, my friend, you'll realise that WE have the power here<br/>______<br/> <br/>Voldemort: *about to kill James* <br/>Voldemort: AVADA KADAVARA!<br/> <br/>James: *slaps down uno reverse card*<br/>James: try me bitch <br/>______<br/> <br/>Harry: *looks up at Rufus Scrigmour with narrowed eyes, thinks*<br/>Harry: I'm about to end this man's whole career</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> <br/>Ron: *five years old, thrusting 'the art of war' into his mums face*<br/>Ron: I want <em>this</em>.<br/>______<br/> <br/>Fawkes: *smoking a firework, reclining next to Nagini*<br/>Fawkes: I've seen some shit, mate <br/> <br/>Nagini: *taking a shot of basilisk venom*<br/>Nagini: at least your human has a fucking nose <br/>______<br/> <br/>Luna: *paints a nargle*<br/>Luna: my creativity knows no bounds <br/>______<br/> <br/>Regulus: *infuriated, ranting*<br/>Regulus: - and even then, the uncultured bastard likely can't tell his mouth from his arse. Not that there’s much difference, they both spew a load of shit. Would you believe the prat can’t even perform a basic lumos? And he had the gall to lecture me. ME! On the substandard regulations attached to common transfiguration practices - <br/> <br/>Barty: *stood in the background, mouth agape, whispers to himself. Confused* <br/>Barty: ... why is this so hot?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Minerva: the book is a seventeen thousand pages long masterpiece that looks into the political implications of magic on society and how the topic has been handled - <br/> <br/>Hermione: *whispers*<br/>Hermione: talk dirty to me <br/> <br/>Minerva: what?<br/> <br/>Hermione: what. <br/>______<br/> <br/>Theo: it's a trap <br/> <br/>Daphne: it's definitely a trap <br/> <br/>Tracy: oh... that's a trap <br/> <br/>Blaise: WAIT! <br/>Blaise: maybe that's what they want you to think. Maybe the trap IS a trap <br/> <br/>Theo: they want us to think it's a trap?<br/> <br/>Blaise: *nods furiously before turning and walking towards the trap* <br/>Blaise: they do, it's obviously a fake trap<br/> <br/>Tracy: wait should you really - <br/> <br/>Blaise: *rope snaps around his foot, unceremoniously yanking him up to hang upside down midair* <br/>Blaise: *crosses arms awkwardly*<br/>Blaise: guys I think it's a real trap<br/>______<br/> <br/>Regulus: *leaning against the wall at a death eater party, watching them all go crazy and do stupid things*<br/>Regulus: if I was a dark lord I'd have way more control over these hooligans <br/> <br/>Barty: *next to him, in deep thought, nods amicably to a nearby lurking Hufflepuff*<br/>Barty: I’m sure if you ever had followers, they’d be the very epitome of loyal... and remarkably good at finding stuff </p>
<p>Regulus: ?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Trelawney: what's your favourite colour?<br/> <br/>Minerva: red I suppose <br/> <br/>Trelawney: *dramatic gasp, lurches back*<br/>Trelawney: IT'S A SIGN! OF DEATHHHHHH!!!<br/> <br/>Minerva: *unimpressed*<br/>Minerva: or a sign that I'm a fucking gryffindor?<br/>______</p>
<p>Ron: *throwing his hands up into the air*  <br/>Ron: stop giving Emma my lines goddammit!</p>
<p>Hermione: *inching away from her friend*<br/>Hermione: uhhh... ron? Who’s Emma?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Norberta: roar!<br/> <br/>Random dragon: roar! Roar!<br/> <br/>Charlie: *clasping his hands together and gesturing toward his co-workers*<br/>Charlie: guys! Guys! They're bonding!!!<br/>______<br/> <br/>Sirius: *running up, out of breath and sweating. Eyes filled with fear*<br/>Sirius: James! James I need you to hide me. <br/> <br/>James: *unimpressed, raises an eyebrow*<br/>James: did you spike Mcgonagall's coffee with catnip again, padfoot?<br/> <br/>Peter: *running up beside them, trembling*<br/>Peter: worse! He ate Moony's chocolate!<br/> <br/>James: *blinks before making a cross across his chest and shaking his head*<br/>James: I'll start a food fight at your funeral and stick a dog joke on your grave <br/> <br/>Sirius: jaMES!<br/>______<br/> <br/>Parvarti: oh she's just jealous caus’ I've always been the better looking out of us<br/> <br/>Padma: *gestures to herself with raised eyebrows*<br/>Padma: we're fucking identical  <br/>______<br/> <br/>Arthur: *sips his tea as his kitchen explodes in the background, his wife cackling and chanting*<br/>Arthur: wonder what's for dinner <br/>______<br/> <br/>Blaise: *morose, staring onto the middle distance*<br/>Blaise: I'm worthless <br/> <br/>Theo: *absentmindedly flicking the pages of his textbook*<br/>Theo: that's not true<br/> <br/>Blaise: *suddenly hopeful, turns to his friend*<br/>Blaise: wait really?<br/> <br/>Theo: sure <br/>Theo: *shrugs and looks up*<br/>Theo: your liver alone is worth a pretty galleon</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Eleven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Harry: *writing a letter back to the Order after they ask him how he's doing*<br/> <br/>Harry: thanks for checking in. Uncle Vernon is still a fat piece of dog shit and I'm still dying inside so everything's normal, don't die fighting the dark lord my dudes xx<br/>______<br/> <br/>Percy: *arriving at Hogwarts, nervous but happy to meet new people and live away from the meddling twins. Goes to say hi to his new roommate*<br/>Percy: hello, my name is Percy and it is a pleasure to meet you. I hope, with some effort on each of our behalf, that this year will go swimmingly <br/> <br/>Oliver: *turns around and beams*<br/>Oliver: hey mate! Didn’t understand a word of that! You play quidditch???<br/> <br/>Percy: oh wait what. Fuck. No. </p><p>Oliver: brooms?</p><p>Percy: I should'a let the hat put me in fucking slytherin <br/>______<br/> <br/>Helga: badgers? Weak?<br/>Helga: *cackles and rubs her hands together, releasing a herd of honey badgers into the school*<br/>Helga: hunt my pretties! HUNT! <br/>______<br/> <br/>Kingsley: *apologetically to Fudge*<br/>Kingsley: Dumbledore escaped sir <br/>Kingsley: *under his breath*<br/>Kingsley: he took all the fucks I had left to give <br/>______<br/> <br/>Tonks: *changing her nose to a pig snout* <br/>Tonks: I'm a pig! <br/>Tonks: *returning nose to normal and changing hair into snakes* <br/>Tonks: I'm medusa! <br/>Tonks: *returning her face to normal*<br/>Tonks: I'm a disappointment! <br/>______<br/> <br/>Remus: ... shut up Sirius <br/> <br/>Sirius: *throws an arm over Remus who's busy reading in the couch*<br/>Sirius: ah Moony - you love me really <br/> <br/>Remus: *deadpan. Looks up to meet Sirius' eyes*<br/>Remus: I'd sell you to Satan for a chocolate frog <br/>______<br/> <br/>*awkward dinner at the Black family home. Sirius denying involvement in a prank at Hogwarts and arguing with his mother* <br/> <br/>Sirius: I'm not lying! I'm dead serious! <br/> <br/>Bellatrix: *nearby, twirling wand*<br/>Bellatrix: dead Sirius? Only a matter of time I guess <br/>______<br/> <br/>Harry: *narrows his eyes as his name flies out of the tri wizard cup*<br/>Harry: so its finally here <br/> <br/>Neville: what's here<br/> <br/>Harry: *deep and knowing voice*<br/>Harry: the fuckening<br/>______<br/> <br/>Ginny: *casually sitting on a pile of groaning slytherins*<br/>Ginny: who's next bitches <br/> ______<br/> <br/>Madam Pomphrey: not to worry Delores, I don’t see anything wrong with you<br/> <br/>Umbridge: are you sure Healer? I've been feeling under the weather recently<br/> <br/>Madam Pomphrey: *under her breath*<br/>Madam Pomphrey: Imma diagnose you with a shit personality  <br/>______<br/> <br/>Quirrelmort: join me Potter! <br/> <br/>Harry: *unimpressed, crosses arms over chest* <br/>Harry: nice try. No.<br/> <br/>Quirrelmort: *wracking brain*<br/>Quirrelmort: we have treacle tart? Unlimited treacle tart<br/> <br/>Harry: you son of a bitch, I'm in.<br/>______<br/> <br/>Sirius: *sighing as he looks into a mirror, holding his cheek* <br/>Sirius: you're the only one who understands me<br/> <br/>Mirror: am I a joke to you <br/>______<br/> <br/>Snape: and I am not loyal to you! I fight for lily! <br/> <br/>Voldemort: *gasps, offended, and presses hand to chest*<br/>Voldemort: what happened to bros before hoes?!?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Harry: *raising his eyebrow* <br/>Harry: why do you want to know my safe word <br/> <br/>Fred: *sniffs*<br/>Fred: call it professional curiosity <br/> <br/>Harry: *blinks and shrugs*<br/>Harry: alright then, expelliarmus!<br/> <br/>George: *wand flying out of his hand*<br/>George: oh what was that for-!<br/> <br/>Harry: *smirks and winks* <br/>Harry: well you wanted my safe word and there it was.<br/> <br/>Fred: oh you clever little bugger you <br/>______<br/> <br/>Hermione: *hiding sweets under her bed from her parents*<br/>Hermione: I'm just preparing for an emergency. For uh... Ron! I don't have a problem - <br/> <br/>Crookshanks: *doesn't give a flying fuck* <br/>Crookshanks: meow <br/> <br/>Hermione: I don't!</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Twelve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Nagini: hiss <br/> <br/>Harry: *blushes*<br/>Harry: now that's just rude! <br/>______<br/> <br/>Crabbe: *hugs large stuffed bunny close to his chest* <br/> <br/>Draco: wtf are you doing you moron <br/> <br/>Goyle: hey man. no need to be mean, man.  He has a very sensitive soul <br/>______<br/> <br/>Regulus: *leaning back into Barty* <br/>Regulus: he's driving me mad Barty, I'm going crazy!<br/> <br/>Barty: *running his hands through the Black's hair*<br/>Barty: good thing I'm into crazy  <br/>______<br/> <br/>Umbridge: and do you know what we do to liars, mr potter?<br/> <br/>Harry: *relaxes back into his chair, smiles innocently*<br/>Harry: elect them to lead our government?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Voldemort: god you try and murder a baby once and suddenly YOU'RE the bad guy! <br/>______<br/> <br/>Cedric: *sniffing lines in the prefect bathroom* <br/> <br/>Harry: *walks in ready to try and figure out the clue*<br/> <br/>Cedric: THIS ISNT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE </p>
<p>Harry: … what are you doing?</p>
<p>Cedric: smelling the sugar to check if it’s still in date<br/>______<br/> <br/>Ron: with my smarts and tactical genius. I can take over the world!<br/> <br/>*molly calls everyone down for dinner* <br/> <br/>Ron: eh. Maybe later.<br/>______<br/> <br/>Arthur: *sits all of the family down at the table *<br/>Arthur: since money is getting tight. We're going to have to let one of you go <br/>______<br/> <br/>Riddle: *sitting by the fire in the slytherin common room*<br/>Riddle: do you ever kill a muggle and wonder if their family is up, worried, terrified and waiting for them to come home<br/> <br/>Abraxas: ?<br/> <br/>Riddle: no? Really? I actually find it quite cathartic, helps me drift off to sleep <br/> <br/>Abraxas: *slowly shuffles away*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Grindelwald: *trying out a plan to get to the elder wand, strolls up to assistant* <br/>Grindelwald: I need a wand <br/> <br/>Assistant: *overworked and stressed, checks the book*<br/>Assistant: we've got a ton of Durmstrang students passing through today. How about we give you twelve tommorow?<br/> <br/>Grindewald: *visibly confused, figures that he's been spotted as a potential thief*<br/>Grindelwald: no I uh... I don't need that many wands sir<br/>______<br/> <br/>Neville: *raises chin in defiance, raises fists, muscle filled arms bulging, narrows eyes* <br/>Neville: square up then and we'll see who’s laughing afterwards <br/> <br/>Nagini: *unimpressed*<br/>Nagini: hiss<br/> <br/>(Extra)<br/> <br/>Harry: *pretending to be dead, rises shocked and offended*<br/>Harry: why I never, nagini. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth!?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Lily: is THAT what you're wearing?<br/> <br/>James: *sighs and begins to undo his tie*<br/>James: I guess not <br/>______<br/> <br/>Newt: don't worry because worrying means you're suffering twice.<br/>Newt: *shrugs* <br/>Newt: unless you're on fire. You should probably worry if you're on fire. <br/>______<br/> <br/>Harry: *opening secret floorboards to reveal he’s already eaten most of the sweets Molly sent him*<br/>Harry: Potter you greedy bitch <br/>______<br/> <br/>Harry: *catching his breath after they escape the spiders*<br/>Harry: wow that was intense. We sure do get ourselves in strange situations huh</p>
<p>Ron: it’s almost like you’re the main character of a fictional world that introduces magic and intrigue to the classic tale of good and evil. With me cast as the loyal obligatory sidekick slash best friend. </p>
<p>Harry: ...</p>
<p>Ron: *laughing*<br/>Ron: ah I’m just pulling your leg mate. There’s no way that could possibly be true </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm enjoying making this shit WAY too much :) Hope you like</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Thirteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dumbledore: I appreciate your concern Severus but, unlike our previous Defence teachers, I TRUST moody. My dear old friend wouldn't even entertain the thought of hurting harry.<br/> <br/>Barty as Moody: *coughs awkwardly* <br/>______<br/> <br/>Pansy: *deadpan* <br/>Pansy: somebody is going to die<br/> <br/>Tracy: *sweating*<br/>Tracy: of fun?<br/> <br/>Pansy: no.<br/>______<br/> <br/>Newt: expelliarmus!<br/> <br/>*elder wand flies out of Grindelwald's grip*<br/> <br/>Grindelwald: oh fuCK<br/>______<br/> <br/>Salazar: you've got your special room, Godric... <br/>Salazar: *leans closer* <br/>Salazar: want me to show you my chamber of secrets? ;) <br/> <br/>Godric: *backs away, sweating* <br/>Godric: no thank you friend, you're like a brother to me, friend. I have to go now, friend <br/>Godric: *flees the scene*<br/> <br/>Salazar: *throwing his hands up into the air, exasperated*<br/>Salazar: why does everyone react like that? If this carries on nobody's gonna know where my chamber is! <br/>______<br/> <br/>Fat friar: *offers the priest his communion cup back, two fluffy ears poking out* <br/>Fat friar: rabbit?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Draco: mother, do you know where I can find father? <br/> <br/>Narcissa: *swirling small glass of wine*<br/>Narcissa: he's in his study, dear<br/> <br/>Draco: *smiles and leaves the room*<br/> <br/>Narcissa: *throws glass of wine out of the window, reaches under desk and pulls out two bottles of jack daniels*<br/>Narcissa: *cracks her knuckles and takes a swig* <br/>______<br/> <br/>Blaise: *sneaking out of the common room*<br/>Blaise: come on theo - at least try to look sneaky <br/> <br/>Theo: *casually strolling beside him, small book in hand as he ignores Blaise*<br/>Theo: uh huh <br/> <br/>Blaise: Theo - <br/> <br/>Theo: *snapping book shut and glaring at his friend* <br/>Theo: blaise. Its three in the fucking morning and you've dragged me out to visit the kitchens. I want my bed so I'm gonna get us caught. <br/>Theo: *storms ahead* <br/> <br/>Blaise: *pouts and mumbles under his breath*<br/>Blaise: why are you always so cranky <br/> <br/>Theo: I HEARD THAT - <br/>______<br/> <br/>Sirius: *trying to protect kids from a wolfed-out Remus*<br/>Sirius: he’s not in his right mind - he might kill us!<br/> <br/>Hermione: *gasps*<br/>Hermione: t-that’s worse than being expelled! <br/> <br/>Sirius: *blinks*<br/>Sirius: well you're not wrong<br/>______</p><p>Dumbledore: alas, I cannot explain these secrets yet, for you are far too young to hear of Voldemort's evil deeds <br/> <br/>Harry: okay boomer <br/>______<br/> <br/>Hermione: I happened to find his name whilst I was checking the sources for some light reading </p><p>Ron: cough casual plot device cough </p><p>Hermione: ???<br/>______</p><p>Lee: *cracks his neck*<br/> <br/>George: ooh crunchy <br/>______<br/> <br/>Snape: *alone, wearing a crooked birthday crown and staring down at the candles on his cake*<br/>Snape: happy birthday to me - <br/>______<br/> <br/>Sanguini: *poking at his fangs*<br/>Sanguini: must remember to order some more toothpaste  <br/>______<br/> <br/>Moody: *menacing* <br/>Moody: I've got my eye on you - death eater scum<br/> <br/>Tonks: *in the background, waves her middle fingers in the suspects direction and pokes out her tongue* <br/>______<br/> <br/>Ginny: *trying to be suave* <br/>Ginny: you're bringing sexy back ;)<br/> <br/>Harry: *eyebrow raised, frowns*<br/>Harry: Sexy never fucking left me </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. Fourteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Regulus: *poking his tongue out at Sirius, blue slushy held carefully to the side* <br/> <br/>Sirius: *leaning over and frowning*<br/>Sirius: I didn’t realise blue slushies give you purple tongues <br/> <br/>Regulus: uhhhhhh<br/> <br/>Barty: *nearby, satisfied, continues to drink his red slushy*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Neville: *panting, having just beaten back several death eaters*<br/>Neville: Luna! Are you all right!?<br/> <br/>Luna: *in a world of her own*<br/>Luna: nah, I'm half left <br/>______<br/> <br/>Fawkes: and now. I die.<br/>Fawkes: *emerges as a chick from the ashes*<br/>Fawkes: JK LMAO<br/>______<br/> <br/>Lavender: *crying*<br/>Lavender: I'm not a-oh-fucking-kay!<br/>Lavender: *rubbing at her eyes and looking up, determined*<br/>Lavender: but I'll b-better soon.<br/>______<br/> <br/>Harry: do you think Buckbeak has a Caw-k-neigh accent?<br/> <br/>Hermione: no.<br/> <br/>(Extra)<br/> <br/>Buckbeak: 'ello Gov'nor wot brings you down to this ol' <em>neigh-</em>bourhood <br/>______<br/> <br/>Binns: haha. Goblins. I love me some bloody goblins <br/>______<br/> <br/>Nearly headless nick: oh no my other head is still perfectly intact, if you know what I mean ;)</p><p>Grey Lady: I wish to die again.<br/>______<br/> <br/>Bill: *kissing his mum goodbye, holding a large duffel bag*<br/>Bill: I'm heading back to Egypt mum, don’t worry, I'll be back soon <br/> <br/>Molly: *confused* <br/>Molly: don’t you have supplies over there? What's with the huge bag?<br/> <br/>Bill: *grimacing and zipping open bag to reveal around 60 bottles of - *<br/>Bill: ... sun cream<br/>______<br/> <br/>Miss Norris: meow <br/> <br/>*rough translation - I strike fear into the hearts of children, fancy a date, hot stuff?*<br/> <br/>Crookshanks: meow meow <br/> <br/>*rough translation - lol no* <br/>______<br/> <br/>Piquery: and why would you surrender Grindelwald - how can we trust you not to escape and hurt more innocents <br/> <br/>Grindewald: *gestures in Newts direction, eyes wide* <br/>Grindelwald: I- just. Hes too pure! I couldn't hurt him! Only a monster would hurt him! <br/>______<br/> <br/>Remus: you can take my wand, you can take my dignity, but you'll never take my chocolate frogs! <br/>______<br/> <br/>Draco: imagine how much I suffer, having to dumb myself down to a level that you ingrates will actually understand <br/> <br/>Theo: *deadpan, pats Draco's head*<br/>Theo: thanks for your sacrifice. We remain ever grateful <br/>______<br/> <br/>Seamus: *lights small tree on fire*<br/>Seamus: *grins*<br/>______<br/> <br/>*death eaters burst into the throne room only to freeze at the sight of Voldemort, Harry, Nagini and Hedwig having tea and cakes*<br/> <br/>Voldemort: *passing Harry a scone*<br/>Voldemort: something wrong?<br/>______<br/> <br/>Harry: *staring down at his new, shiny magic wand*<br/>Harry: you should be grateful for all the jokes I'm <em>not</em> making right now <br/> <br/>Hagrid: ?</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. Fifteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Guess what. There's more ;)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Oliver: *lurking behind the main doors, ready to pounce on unsuspecting second year gryffindors*<br/>Oliver: quidditchquidditchquidditchquidditch <br/>______<br/> <br/>Maxime: *squats*<br/>Maxime : I too, am a normal human <br/>______<br/> <br/>Sirius: you can take my wand, you can take my dignity - <br/> <br/>Regulus: *nearby, rolls his eyes*<br/>Regulus: didn't realise you had any of any of that left to give </p><p>*Hufflepuff in the background nods wisely and marks another tally under Regulus’ name*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Jacob and Newt: *smile*<br/> <br/>All the world's problems: *solved* <br/>______<br/> <br/>*the forest of death is ablaze, half of its trees burning up in a wildfire* <br/> <br/>Minerva: How could this happen?!?!<br/> <br/>Dumbledore: *strokes his beard* <br/>Dumbledore: hmmmmmm<br/> <br/>*Seamus dances into view, waving his wand madly and cackling* <br/> <br/>Dumbledore: I have absolutely no idea <br/>______<br/> <br/>Rodolphus: ... what are you doing?<br/> <br/>Bellatrix: my lord tasked me with learning this obscure ritual to strengthen my magic <br/>Bellatrix: *continues to dance to the macarena*<br/>______<br/> <br/>Luna: *scowling up at staircase*<br/> <br/>Hermione: *worried as she passes by*<br/>Hermione: is something wrong, Luna?<br/> <br/>Luna: no it's just... these stairs... they're up to something <br/>______<br/> <br/>Grindewald: *bored in his cell in Nurmengard as Dumbledore pops in for a visit* <br/>Grindelwald: what's with the beard? <br/> <br/>Dumbledore: *strokes his beard, deep in thought and leans closer, whispers - *<br/>Dumbledore: it makes me look wise<br/> <br/>(Extra)<br/> <br/>Grindelwald: makes you look like you've escaped a retirement home <br/>______<br/> <br/>Voldemort: *staring at fenrir mauling his victim* <br/>Voldemort: oh well now THAT'S just disgusting. </p><p>Fenrir: *crunches a bone between his teeth, the guy he’s eating screams again*</p><p>Voldemort: ewwwwwwwwww<br/>______</p><p>Random witch: *leans in seductively*<br/>Random witch: so neville... I dont suppose you'll grant me the pleasure of touching the famous gryffindor sword <br/>Random witch: *winks* <br/> <br/>Neville: yeah sure <br/>Neville: *pulls the actual sword of Godric gryffindor out of his pocket (somehow)* <br/>Neville: it's shiny! <br/>______<br/> <br/>Harry: *serious, clasps draco's hands between his own."<br/>Harry: when I die, I want you to lower me into my coffin<br/> <br/>Draco: *oddly flattered but confused*<br/>Draco: why? Do you really trust me this much?<br/> <br/>Harry: no. I just figured you'd want to continue the trend of our relationship and let me down one final time  <br/>______<br/> <br/>Voldemort: you'll never smile again once I steal away all of your happiness <br/> <br/>Harry: ha! Can't steal what don't exist dickhead <br/>______<br/> <br/>Snape: *in the shack, glancing warily in the direction of nagini*<br/>Snape: how did you find me <br/> <br/>Voldemort: *crosses arms over chest, eyes narrowed* <br/>Voldemort: oh that's easy. I just followed the smell of complete and utter betrayal</p><p>(Extra)</p><p>Snape: *Stares with contempt at Voldemort's face. Specifically focusing on the non-existent nose*<br/>Snape: that thing works?!?!?!<br/>______<br/> <br/>Fred: *sidles up besides Oliver* <br/>Fred: Morning Wood?<br/> <br/>Oliver: no Fred <br/> <br/>Fred: but Oliver! It’s a classic! <br/> <br/>Oliver: no.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Sixteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Percy: *folds hands together over lap as he sits alone in his empty flat surrounded by ministry paperwork.*<br/>Percy: I'm... not okay <br/>______<br/> <br/>Remus: no Sirius. I will not campaign for werewolf rights by mooning the school <br/>______<br/> <br/>Rowena: *jamming diadem onto head*<br/>Rowena: who says I can’t be sparkly and smart at the same time. I’m fabulous!<br/>______</p><p>Voldemort: *Looms over Regulus.*<br/>Voldemort: I have a task for your house elf mister Bl-</p><p>Hufflepuff: *casually walks into the throne room, sliding past shocked death eaters*<br/>Hufflepuff: I’m sorry sir but if you want to request for some of Lord Black’s precious time, I'm afraid you’ll have to send a request to his lawyers<br/>Hufflepuff: *Throws Voldemort a list of Lawyers, all former Hufflepuffs. Then proceeds to grab a confused Regulus’ arm and drag him out of the manor and all the way back to Grimmauld place*</p><p>Voldemort: wtf. no seriously. Wtf.<br/>______</p><p>Hedwig: *wings raised defensively as all the other Hogwarts owls send her judgemental looks. Pigeons are splattered against the nearby wall, too dumb to actually aim their attacks when Hedwig ordered them to advance* <br/>Hedwig: look guys. No plan is faultless<br/>______</p><p>Barty: *Staring at the Hufflepuff squad in charge of Regulus protection*<br/>Barty: How the hell did you find him?</p><p>Hufflepuff: *Straightens his collar and preens*<br/>Hufflepuff: We ‘puffs are particularly good finders, you see <br/>______</p><p>Salazar: *to Rowena and Helga*<br/>Salazar: I've enchanted this parchment to mark down the first school rule for our students. What do you think it should be - </p><p>Godric: *dramatically slamming into the room, hair on fire, clothes ripped and face covered in ash*<br/>Godric: so hey guys. You would not believe what I’ve been up to today. See I got bored and well - <br/>Godric: *Slams his wand onto the table and accidently activates the spell*<br/>Godric: - I've really learnt my lesson. You should NOT tickle a sleeping dragon guys. Like just don’t. </p><p>*Salazar, Rowena and Helga watch in horror as the words etch themselves into the Hogwarts’ shield, in the distance a faint roar can be heard. *<br/>______</p><p>Barty: I hate you. Die.</p><p>Crouch senior: *to his co-workers*<br/>Crouch senior: don’t worry its just a phase</p><p>Random new recruit: Sir, your son is twenty sev-</p><p>Crouch senior: It’s. Just. A. Phase. <br/>______</p><p>Ted: so how will you tell your sisters and your parents</p><p>Andromeda: *shrugs*<br/>Andromeda: Guess I'll tell them at the same time<br/>______</p><p>Aberforth: *hands a confused Harry a beer and leans on bar*<br/>Aberforth: so my brother’s a right dick huh. </p><p>Harry: uhhhhhh</p><p>Aberforth: Wanna compare stories of his bullshit?<br/>______</p><p>Narcissa: *opens a letter*</p><p>Letter: yo sis. I’m eloping with a filthy muggle, very illicit, tell the fam<br/>______</p><p>Slughorn: I am but a simple man who has perfected the art of relaxation <br/>Slughorn: *transfigures himself into a couch and settles down to watch some television*<br/>______</p><p>Seamus: *Staring at fancy Hogwarts’ feast and the other students tucking in*</p><p>Dean: You alright mate?</p><p>Seamus: *morose*<br/>Seamus: I just fancy some nuggets</p><p>Dean: …</p><p>Seamus: *Turning around to face him, grabbing at his collar and shaking him furiously*<br/>Seamus: where are the nuggets Dean? WHERE ARE THE NUGGETS?!<br/>______ </p><p>Rowena: *to Salazar*<br/>Rowena: So what will our second school rule be? I’ve enchanted my quill and whatever it writes it can’t possibly be worse than the first -</p><p>Godric: *dramatically slamming into the room, hair on fire, clothes ripped and face covered in ash*</p><p>Helga: *stalks after Godric, shoving him to the ground and pointedly stamping on his limp body before walking out again*</p><p>Godric: *weakly raising an arm, whispers-*<br/>Godric: don’t fuck with a Hufflepuff</p><p>Salazar: *Watching as Rowena’s magic quill starts to write down Gryffindor’s words*<br/>Salazar: FOR FUCKS SAKE. <br/>______</p><p>Perenelle: *eyeing face in the mirror after applying makeup*<br/>Perenelle: amazing how this stuff makes you look barely four hundred </p><p>Nicholas: darlin’ you don’t look a day over two centuries</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Seventeen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>*Ronan and Bane stand next to each other, staring up at the sky*</p><p>Ronan: it seems mars is in my favour </p><p>Bane: I think you’ll find mars is actually in my favour </p><p>Ronan: excuse you. Mars is in MY favour </p><p>Bane: You must be blind because - </p><p>Firenze: *stood nearby, shaking his head*<br/>Firenze: … it’s been three hours guys. Maybe mars is in both...</p><p>Ronan and Bane: *turn to glare at Firenze*<br/>Ronan and Bane: MARS LOVES ME! - NO! - ME! - I THINK YOU’LL FIND THAT - <br/>______</p><p>Snape: Yeah right Rapunzel </p><p>Lucius: ??? What is this Rapunzel?</p><p>Snape: *bullshit mode activated, sweating buckets of grease*<br/>Snape: A fierce foreign witch from the twelfth century, known for transfiguring her endless blonde hair into knives to skewer her enemies with </p><p>Lucius: … I see<br/>______</p><p>Voldemort: *sinking into his throne and pouting*<br/>Voldemort: why does everyone want me dead? </p><p>Rodolphus: *whistling and looking off to the side*<br/>Rodolphus: No idea my lord. Absolutely. No. Clue.<br/>______</p><p>Minerva: *rolling up her sleeves and resting Gryffindor’s sword on her shoulder as she stares up at the basilisk*<br/>Minerva: This shouldn’t take long <br/>______</p><p>Lucius: *sweeps into Department of mysteries, throwing his silky blonde hair over his shoulder*<br/>Lucius: I’m Rapunzel y’all<br/>______</p><p>Ginny: *crouches behind Bill and hisses at Fleur*<br/>______</p><p>Regulus: *Staring at Sirius as he dances through the great hall in a pink tutu after losing a dare*<br/>Regulus: I’m so disappointed I don’t even know how to disappoint anymore </p><p>Snape: That makes no sense Black</p><p>Regulus: I know. Now I’m disappoint in myself.<br/>______</p><p>Ron: *walks in*</p><p>Hermione: *looks him up and down, raises an eyebrow*</p><p>Ron: *red faced, slowly takes off his crocs*</p><p>Hermione: What are you doing Ronald. </p><p>Ron: *Puts his crocs back on*</p><p>Hermione: Acceptable <br/>______</p><p>Sir Cadogan: *raises painted sword into the air*<br/>Sir Cadogan: begone knave and take your terrible cursed fangs with you!</p><p>Moth: *busy nibbling at the edge of Cadogen’s canvas <br/>Moth: nom nom nom <br/>______</p><p>Arthur: you’re up for heading up to Hogwarts, right? </p><p>Errol: Hoot<br/>*Rough translation - I want to retire. When can I retire? TELL ME WHEN CAN I RETIRE*</p><p>(Extra)</p><p>Ron: *Receiving letter from his Dad* <br/>Ron: pretty sure this was meant for Charlie. Off you go, Errol.</p><p>Errol: hoot.<br/>*Rough translation - LEAVE ME ALONE. LET ME RETIRE. IF A DRAGON EATS ME WILL YOU LET ME RETIRE. LET ME LEAVEEEEEEE* <br/>______</p><p>Griphook: *looks around shiftily before slipping a galleon from the desk into his pocket*</p><p>Nearby random baby: Guh.</p><p>Griphook: *whipping a battle axe out of thin air and looming over the baby*<br/>Griphook: YOU SAW NOTHING.</p><p>Nearby random baby: Guh! Guh!<br/>______</p><p>Sirius: *yelling at Barty*<br/>Sirius: MY BROTHER IS PURE AND INNOCENT AND </p><p>Barty: YOUR BROTHER IS MARRIED. TO ME. </p><p>*The audience and the Black brothers stare at Barty, a group of nearby Hufflepuffs sharpen their scissors on stone walls threateningly. Regulus levels a death glare on him and Sirius goes pale.*</p><p>Barty: oh shITE. Can you forget I just said that -<br/>______</p><p>Hedwig: *peers out the window to see that snow has started to fall before looking back down at her feathers* <br/>Hedwig: camouflage mode activated.<br/>______</p><p>Regulus: Barty have you turned the Hufflepuffs into a vicious military-esque force hell bent on protecting me and determined to make me their lord? All armed with a wide array of resources, incredible loyalty and in possession of exemplary skill at finding things? </p><p>Barty: uh... no?</p><p>Regulus: *narrows eyes, extremely suspicious* <br/>Regulus: you better hope you didn’t </p><p>*Outside the window an older Hufflepuff leads the lower years through rigorous training exercises in the summer sun. Further down the lawn a group of seventh years are practicing blasting curses on poor facsimiles of Walburga Black. All of them ignore the strange looks they get from passing students of other houses* <br/>______</p><p>Colin: *flicking through a massive pile of photographs taken over his years at Hogwarts*<br/>Colin: we got blackmail for days bois </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. Eighteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Random witch: So how’s your great nephew doing?</p><p>Bathilda: *deadpan*<br/>Bathilda: oh Gellert is doing well. From what I’ve heard, planning to start a great war and kill millions of innocent muggles and protesting magicals can be rather time consuming </p><p>Random witch: uhhhh....</p><p>Bathilda: *Calmly pours herself more tea*<br/>Bathilda: Silly boy is more interested in genocide than visiting his favourite great aunt<br/>______</p><p>Random first year: *strolling along the edge of the forbidden forest after the battle of Hogwarts, leans down to pick up a suspiciously familiar black rock*<br/>Random first year: oohhhh pretty rock. I’m sure nothing bad will happen if I happen to take this home and spin it three times. Some ancient prophecy definitely won’t be invoked and Harry Potter definitely won’t become the master of death in a strange sequence of events!<br/>Random first year: *pockets the stone and skips back to the castle*<br/>______</p><p>Harry: *sidles up to Fawkes, holding a letter from an unknown source, passes the letter to Fawkes*<br/>Harry: Do me a favour and dispose of the evidence </p><p>Fawkes: *Salutes with his wing*<br/>______</p><p>Harry: *eight years old and furious at the Dursleys punches a wall. Creates a massive hole but accidental magic protects his hand, looks down, amazed*<br/>Harry: Does this mean that I'm actually...</p><p>Petunia: *Nearby, horrified*<br/>Petunia: wait – no! You’re not a wiz- </p><p>Harry: ... the Terminator!?</p><p>Petunia: what.<br/>______</p><p>Gabrielle: *faced with the judges of the tournament who want to chuck her underwater as a prize, deadpan*<br/>Gabrielle: is this a kidnapping? Am I being kidnapped? I need an adult. Help I'm being kidnapped.<br/>______</p><p>Elphias: *fires off a stunner*<br/>Elphias: DOGE THIS!<br/>______</p><p>Ariana: *dead and pouting*<br/>Ariana: When J.K said I'd die in a three way this isn’t quite what I was expecting. I’m a bit disappointed tbh <br/>______</p><p>Newt: *eyebrows raised, looking up in confusion*<br/>Newt: Can I help you sir?</p><p>Graves: *Awkwardly crouched in the corner behind a plant, smacked fish expression when he realises he’s been spotted*<br/>Graves: I’m uh... watering the plants</p><p>Newt: *looks between Percival and the nearby table where the director’s wand has been abandoned*</p><p>Graves: and practicing my wandless magic at the same time</p><p>Newt: sir... that’s a plastic plant <br/>______</p><p>Figg: *opening the door and releasing fifty kneazles into privet drive*<br/>Figg: RUN MY PRETTIES! RUN!<br/>______</p><p>Daphne: *suplexes an obnoxious Gryffindor into a wall*<br/>Daphne: damnit I chipped a nail<br/>______</p><p>Remus: *staring down at the limited edition defence spell compendium that’s been shoved into his lap*<br/>Remus: I love you</p><p>Sirius: *smirks*<br/>Sirius: I know.<br/>______</p><p>Hermione: ron! I love you! </p><p>Ron: and I love you hermion- </p><p>Fourth year Harry: *wakes up in a flash, sweating with wide terrified eyes* <br/>Harry: no! It wasn’t real! I’m not a third wheel yet! I have time!</p><p>(Extra)</p><p>Ron: *rolls over in his sleep and mumbles something that vaguely sounds like Hermione* </p><p>Harry: *muffles his screams into his pillow* <br/>______</p><p>Draco: urgh. Now Dobby’s gone I actually have to get dressed by myself! Its soooooo demeaning.<br/>______</p><p>Astoria: when I grow up I wanna be like my big sister </p><p>Random wizard: oh that’s lovely! Is your sister pretty?</p><p>Astoria: my big sister’s amazing. She’s a merciless bitch.</p><p>Random wizard: ... ah?</p><p>Astoria: *smiles dreamily*<br/>Astoria: she’s so cool <br/>______</p><p>Terry: guys our plan is flawless </p><p>Ravenclaws: *all eagerly nod in agreement* </p><p>Terry: *sidles up to the cupboard the boggart is in, opens the door an inch and chucks in a mirror before hurriedly closing the door and stepping back* </p><p>Ravenclaws: *wait with bated breath*</p><p>Boggart cupboard: *muffled screaming* </p><p>Ravenclaws: *cheer*</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. Nineteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius: *pouncing on Remus' bed*<br/>Sirius: C’mon Moony! Wake up! </p><p>Remus: *rearing up from sleep, grabbing Sirius by the lapels and shaking him viciously *<br/>Remus: WTF WHY DID YOU WAKE ME YOU MUTT. THERE WAS A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL. HOW COULD YOU BE SO CRUEL – <br/>______</p><p>James: I’d totally be han! I got the girl and saved the day multiple times </p><p>Sirius: you’re kidding me right? Who else would rock the leather look like me? Moony could be Chewwie</p><p>Peter: wouldn’t Padfoot be better as Luke? From a dark family and all that </p><p>Remus: *sniffing at the arm Sirius has dropped over his shoulders*<br/>Remus: Chewbacca probably has better hygiene than you, mutt </p><p>Lily: anyway. Peter’s the only one here with a point. Sirius as Luke, James would be Leia, Peter as C-3PO or R2D2, Remus as young Obi-wan and me as – </p><p>James: as who? Padme? You’re certainly pretty enough... but I don’t see how I’m....</p><p>Lily: *raises an eyebrow and rests her hands on her hips* <br/>Lily: bitch I’m totally Han.<br/>______</p><p>Kingsley: how was Ginny’s childhood growing up with five older brothers? </p><p>Arthur: oh it was pretty tough</p><p>Kingsley: oh I can imag- </p><p>Arthur: for the boys. My Gin never really learnt how to pull her punches. Pretty much traumatised the poor sods.<br/>Arthur: *smiles fondly*<br/>Arthur: she’s just like her mother </p><p>Kingsley: *wide eyed, slowly edges away*<br/>______</p><p>Voldemort: patience is key</p><p>Quirrel: *gesturing to the many keys fluttering around them, exasperated*<br/>Quirrel: well yes but I don’t see how that’s gonna help me here </p><p>Voldemort: PATIENCE!<br/>______</p><p>Newt: *glancing between the furious headmaster and the small animal nestled in his arms* <br/>Newt: ... creatures before teachers <br/>______</p><p>Salazar: ... this isn’t quite what I meant when I said I’d show you my chamber of secrets </p><p>Helga: *lying in bed beside him, winks*<br/>Helga: I’ll say that it ain’t a secret no more<br/>______</p><p>Regulus: *staring up at his tutor, unimpressed*<br/>Regulus: Kreacher before the teacher.<br/>______</p><p>Dumbledore: and thus, our winner is gryffin-</p><p>Minerva: *jumping out of her seat and waving her middle fingers at Snape while cackling*<br/>Minerva: TAKE THAT MOTHERFUCKA- <br/>______</p><p>Draco: *waking up and shooting up, eyes wide and chest heaving. Panicked*<br/>Draco: no Dobby! You’re not my real dad!<br/>______</p><p>Myrtle: *recently deceased, staring at her new living quarters with narrowed eyes*<br/>Myrtle: well this is just a shitty situation<br/>______</p><p>Snape: well the good news is that you’re not dying quickly and painlessly </p><p>Dumbledore: ... and the bad news?</p><p>Snape: you’re dying slowly and painfully <br/>______</p><p>Walburga: *being interviewed for the Prophet*<br/>Walburga: well you see, our family is pretty tight knit – </p><p>Sirius: *snorts, glancing between his parents and their family tree pointedly*<br/>Sirius: I’ll say<br/>______</p><p>Draco: *nervous, but focused, trying to predict orders*<br/>Draco: so you want me to kill Dumbledore?</p><p>Voldemort: what no. He’s mine.<br/>Voldemort: *gestures vaguely*<br/>Voldemort: you can, I dunno, off some Hufflepuffs or something</p><p>Draco: *going pale, immediately losing composure and starting to sweat*<br/>Draco: I’m fucked – I’m so totally fucked <br/>______</p><p>Neville: *bench presses five eager first years and looks Goyle in the eye*<br/>Neville: sup <br/>______</p><p>Barty: *peering down at the thick tome some nervous Hufflepuffs have handed him*<br/>Barty: so ... you’ve written a book on the rising of your saviour and how amazing he is</p><p>Hufflepuff: yes</p><p>Barty: including a comprehensive list of his best physical features.</p><p>Hufflepuff: *getting nervous*<br/>Hufflepuff: ... yes?</p><p>Barty: *raising his head, eyes shining with unshed tears*<br/>Barty: I’m. I’m just. I’m just so fuckin proud of you guys </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. Twenty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hermione: *giving herself a pep talk in the mirror whilst she prepares for the Yule ball*<br/>Hermione: girl, you’re thicker than the old testament<br/>______</p><p>Cedric: *in the prefect bathroom (again) this time playing with a rubber duck*<br/>Cedric: rub a dub dub, got my ducky in the tub, if I die in this tournament, bet the fam’s gonna blub </p><p>Harry: *rubbing shampoo into his hair*<br/>Harry: jesus fkin christ Cedric <br/>______</p><p>Goyle: *casually bench presses 10 slytherins, smirking at Neville* <br/>Golyle: can I help you?<br/>______</p><p>Filch: if you’d seen half the shit I’ve seen in this school, you’d wanna crack a whip or two too<br/>______</p><p>Regulus: *stares down at Voldemort’s mystery potion* <br/>Regulus: ... so it can’t be vanished or otherwise tampered with by ways of  magic but it will likely be some sort of evil tortuous concoction... hey Kreacher?</p><p>Kreacher: master Regulus?</p><p>Regulus: don’t suppose you could fetch me a bucket to pour this shite into?<br/>______</p><p>Neville: *lifting an entire staircase up with one arm, smiles at Goyle* <br/>Neville: do you even lift bro <br/>______</p><p>Amelia: *staring at her wizagamont colleagues*<br/>Amelia: do you guys ever get tired of the bull shit spewing out of your mouths?<br/>______</p><p>Alecto: we’re so close we finish each other’s – </p><p>Amycus: AVADA KADAVRA! </p><p>Alecto: ... see?<br/>______</p><p>Ginny: *ordering at the ice cream parlor* <br/>Ginny: hmmm ... I’ll have chocolate with some ‘lacking in friends and fuelled entirely by spite and self-hatred' sauce</p><p>Fortescue: with or without sprinkles?<br/>______</p><p>Ignotus: *hidden under invisibility cloak and sneaking past death, whispers*<br/>Ignotus: I live bitch<br/>______</p><p>Pince: *turns the page ominously* <br/>______</p><p>Quirrel: *offended*<br/>Quirrel: it’s not possession it’s consensual and casual cohabitation <br/>______</p><p>Demelza: *mounting her broom and snapping Ginny a salute*<br/>Demelza: stop that bitchin and catch that snitch Gin<br/>______</p><p>Neville: * humming the pink panther theme as he sneaks past the death eaters occupying Hogwarts*<br/>______</p><p>Newt: hi</p><p>Graves: *internally*<br/>Graves: I’ve only met this man twice but if anyone hurts him, I’ll kill everyone in this room and then myself<br/>Graves: *out loud* <br/>Graves: oh. You again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Twenty one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Harry: *pulling invisibility cloak on, sliding ring onto finger and twirling elder wand*<br/>Harry: the master is here bitches </p><p>Death eater: ... master of what?</p><p>Harry: *pulls out gun and clicks off the safety, smirks at death eater pointedly*<br/>Harry: death<br/>______</p><p>Umbridge: *looking down her nose at Voldemort*<br/>Umbridge: I may be a bitch but at least I have a nose </p><p>Hermione: *under her breath*<br/>Hermione: pity you won’t stop sticking it in other people’s business <br/>______</p><p>Remus: ripping open his fifteenth chocolate frog*<br/>Remus: everything... is fine</p><p>*In the background Sirius rides past on a stag, wielding a ruby encrusted sword and screaming as a rat clings onto his shoulder. The bedroom is completely trashed and Lily can be heard furiously banging on the door, yelling for them to ‘shut fuck up already’*</p><p>Remus: Absolutely. Fine. <br/>______</p><p>Fudge: I bet Dumbledore is planning to assassinate me any day now </p><p>Percy: *staring at the mountain of unsorted paperwork Fudge has left him with* <br/>Percy: I wish he’d skip planning and get on with it already<br/>______</p><p>Ron: so how did you avoid falling for he-who-must-not-be-named’s plan?</p><p>Harry: *nonchalantly chewing gum, fishes out a smartphone from his pocket* <br/>Harry: I abandoned my integrity and credibility (probably my humanity too) to perform a slightly (immensely) satanic ritual to pull a couple of phones from the future so I’d be able to bitch about life with Sirius.</p><p>Ron: ah?!?</p><p>Harry: I’m sure the timeline won’t fracture and destroy the world as we know it... probably <br/>______<br/> <br/>Riddle: *flipping his fabulous hair fabulously* <br/>Riddle: unicorn blood makes a delightful shampoo <br/>Riddle: *continues to fabulously flip his fabulous and oh-so-shiny hair* <br/>______</p><p>Draco: so do you have any idea what’s wrong with me???</p><p>Pomphrey: *turning around. Solemn.*<br/>Pomphrey: I’m so sorry Mr Malfoy. It seems as though you’ve contracted a severe case of ligma </p><p>Draco: .... what’s. What’s ligma?</p><p>Pomphrey: *takes a deep breath* <br/>______</p><p>Dumbledore: in my day these matters were resolved far easier ... and quicker </p><p>Snape: *raises eyebrow*<br/>Snape: oh?</p><p>Dumbledore: trial by combat </p><p>Snape: wait what.</p><p>Dumbledore: *cheerily laughing as he twirls the elder wand* <br/>Dumbledore: can’t argue with a corpse my boy. <br/>______</p><p>Granny Longbottom: *stroking wand and eyeing nearby pigeons*<br/>Granny Longbottom: perhaps I should commission a new hat with a more... locally... sourced centre piece <br/>______</p><p>Ginny: so they’ve got money, influence and power... what’ve we got?</p><p>Neville: muscles </p><p>Harry: justice</p><p>Seamus: fire! </p><p>Ron: an edgy teen protagonist, a sympathetic audience and an author with a penchant for adding new information years after the books have been published in order to better appeal to her wide audience   </p><p>Dean: love</p><p>Hermione: morals – wait what was that ron – </p><p>Ron: hmmmm?</p><p>Hermione: that whole thi-</p><p>Luna: Angry crumple horned Snorlacks!<br/>______</p><p>Giant squid: *waves a friendly tentacle*</p><p>Slytherin first year: *terrified to the bone*<br/>Slytherin first year: *slowly waves back* <br/>______</p><p>*Death eater is hit by hex and sent careening out of a window*</p><p>Death eater: *Wilhelm scream* <br/>______</p><p>Percy: *staring at Pidwidgeon* <br/>Percy: I think he’s possessed </p><p>Pidwidgeon: *unintelligible screeching* <br/>______</p><p>George: *laughs sinisterly as he rubs his hands together*<br/>George: chaos is my middle name </p><p>Fred: *matter of fact, rolls his eyes*<br/>Fred: actually. It’s Henry.</p><p>George: why do you have to ruin everything - <br/>______</p><p>Hagrid: *hands harry birthday card*<br/>Hargid: here you are – what do you think?</p><p>Harry: not much<br/>Harry: *turns to face invisible camera*<br/>Harry: what up? I’m Harry, I’m eleven and I never fucking learnt to read</p><p>Vernon: *puffs up proudly in the background* </p>
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<a name="section0022"><h2>22. Twenty Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>Hufflepuff seventh year: *pats one of the barrels lurking in the back of the common room* <br/>Hufflepuff seventh year: since I’ve no doubt failed my exams - time to get smashed.<br/>______</p><p>Voldemort: *peels back a mask to reveal that he is. In fact-*</p><p>Molly: le gasp! My second cousin (who is in fact. A squib. And worse. An accountant) that we never talk about!</p><p>Volde-cousin: TAXES!<br/>______</p><p>Cedric: hufflepuffs are particularly good finders</p><p>Cho: can you find me a will to live? </p><p>Cedric: ... please lower your ridiculous expectations.</p><p>Cho: ...</p><p>Cedric: ...</p><p>Cho: ... maybe some chocolate then?</p><p>Cedric: sure thang babes<br/>______</p><p>Fudge and Umbridge: *watching Lucius knock someone out and drag their body behind a conveniently placed gold statue*</p><p>Fudge: wonderful weather recently huh</p><p>Umbridge: oh yes absolutely delightful </p><p>Body behind the statue: *twitches*<br/>______</p><p>Sirius: *flipping his sunglasses down, gesturing for death eaters to attack as Remus sighs in the background*<br/>Sirius: I’m a bad bitch, you can’t kill me!<br/>______</p><p>Draco: *smug as hell*<br/>Draco: - which means you’ll remain our prisoners until Voldemort arrives. Locked in this room with the occasional bite to eat</p><p>Ron: *excited*<br/>Ron: wait we get meals, sleep AND time to plan our daring escape?!?!?!? This is gre-</p><p>Draco: *frowns*</p><p>Ron: greatly depressing?<br/>______</p><p>Fred: Oh damn</p><p>George: Watch your fucking language Fred </p><p>Ron: I’ve had enough of this bullshit guys </p><p>Ginny: All of you stop with the fucking swearing </p><p>Charlie: Stop being a bunch of prats</p><p>Bill: Ah the youth sure does fucking love to fucking swear </p><p>Percy: *ignoring everyone, frowning down at paperwork*<br/>Percy: darn it</p><p>All the Siblings but him: *Gasp or scream*<br/>______</p><p>*In a non-magic au*</p><p>Grindewald: I’m the master of – <br/>Grindewald: *Adjusts suit collar*<br/>Grindewald: Debt</p><p>Albus: *Shrugs*<br/>Albus: I mean I guess its appropriate since you work in a bank?</p><p>Grindewald: Shut upppppppp Albus you’re ruining my moment!<br/>______</p><p>Harry: Im worried about starting in a magic school</p><p>Ron: Oh its simple Harry. You have to learn to love yourself (even if you are the youngest son with heaps of expectations on you and five successful brothers before you that you struggle to imitate in the vague hope that it will make your mother love you more. Even if your sister will be getting a new wand whilst you struggle through everyday hoping that the wand you use wont backfire and kill you in a tragic accident that no one will even notice because you’re not the boy who lived or the son of a millionaire.)</p><p>Harry: I-?</p><p>Ron: SHUT UP AND LOVE YOURSELF HARRY<br/>______</p><p>Blaise: Hey Daphne! Do you like my rock? Theo gave it to me as a present!</p><p>Theo: I threw it at you. I was aiming for your head. I’m sad I missed.</p><p>Blaise: he’s so sweet?</p><p>Theo: die.<br/>______</p><p>Draco: so I may have fucked up… again</p><p>Harry: I’m sorry, am I supposed to be surprised? <br/>______</p><p>Therapist: You’re smiling because you’re hurting</p><p>Sirius: nah<br/>Sirius: *points over to where Lucius’ is wrestling with the hippogriff trying to eat his hair*<br/>Sirius: I’m smiling ‘caus he’s hurting <br/>______</p><p>Voldemort: *Showing off his new look*<br/>Voldemort: What do you think? Impressed? In awe?</p><p>Rodolphus: …<br/>Rodolphus: My mother taught me that if I can’t say anything nice I shouldn’t say anything at all</p><p>Voldemort: … ah.<br/>______</p><p>Dean: *Whispering*<br/>Dean: … Keep …</p><p>Seamus: hmm?</p><p>Dean: *A little louder, still quiet*<br/>Dean: … Bleeding …</p><p>Seamus: *head whips around* <br/>Seamus: You’re bleeding?! Where?!? Dean!<br/>Seamus: *Running over, panicked and worried to hell*</p><p>Dean: *Rolls over on bed to reveal Beyonce album cradled in his arms*<br/>Dean: KEEP BLEEDING IN LOVE KEEP BLEEDING – </p><p>Seamus: …<br/>Seamus: *shrugs and joins in*<br/>______</p><p>Judge: How do you plead</p><p>Draco: *scoffs*<br/>Draco: Malfoys don’t plead </p>
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<a name="section0023"><h2>23. Twenty Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Regulus: Oh yes. I remember him. Once we were close but, before his untimely demise, we seemed to drift apart. I really miss my brother. I hope he’s happy in the great beyond.</p><p>Sirius: *Yelling and banging against the door of the cupboard Regulus has locked him in*</p><p>Regulus: *sips tea*<br/>Regulus: Sometimes I still hear his voice<br/>______</p><p>Molly: What do you have there, Ginny? </p><p>Ginny: *5 years old, spinning around as she runs past Molly*<br/>Ginny: A knife!</p><p>Molly: NO! <br/>______</p><p>Regulus: *fourth year, after tripping, stares up at Barty who’s caught him*<br/>Regulus: oh no. he’s hot<br/>______</p><p>Hermione: *Staring down at her results. 99/100*<br/>Hermione: Please grant me the sweet release of death<br/>______</p><p>Newt: That’s so cool!</p><p>Theseus: *Panicking*<br/>Theseus: <em>That’s</em> a dragon flying straight toward us. How cool is it going to be when it KILLS US NEWT?</p><p>Newt: … a little bit less cool</p><p>Theseus: A LITTLE BIT<br/>______</p><p>Blaise: Theo agrees with me </p><p>Theo: no he doesn’t </p><p>Blaise: *pressing a finger to Theo’s mouth*<br/>Blaise: shhhhhh<br/>______</p><p>Dumbledore: Of course I know all the houses. It’s my school! There’s Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and –<br/>Dumbledore: *Looks at smudged ink on hand*<br/>Dumbledore: Slither men<br/>______</p><p>Remus: *Pours dog food into a bowl and puts it onto the ground*<br/>Remus: Sirius! Dinner!<br/>______</p><p>Mclaggen: Sadness is a powerful aphrodisiac </p><p>Ginny: … my brother is dead?!?!?</p><p>Mclaggen: …<br/>Mclaggen: *winks*<br/>______</p><p>Filch: every squirt of bleach to these stone floor rips a shard of my soul from me as I plunge deeper into the depths of madness<br/>______</p><p>Snape: You’re ridiculously stupid</p><p>Harry: *crosses arms*<br/>Harry: I think you’re biased, I want a second opinion</p><p>Snape: fine. Here’s a second opinion: Your dad was an ugly piece of shit<br/>______</p><p>Harry: You’re so dim-witted I wonder who ties your laces for you every morning </p><p>Draco: Well it used to be Dobby until a CERTAIN SOMEONE lost me a perfectly decent elf.<br/>______</p><p>Narcissa: *shrugs elegantly as she points in Bellatrix’s direction*<br/>Narcissa: I assume that my family tree is a circle <br/>______</p><p>Grindewald: I’m planning a revolution. It’ll be bloody, people will die, and I’ll become the new dark lord. The world will fall before the might of my magic as I ascend into the position of ‘master of death’</p><p>Bathilda: that’s nice deary, want another cookie? </p><p>Grindewald: ... please.<br/>______</p><p>Harry: *young and still with the Dursleys. Staring at the cupboard door* <br/>Harry: Do fish contemplate the inevitability of death <br/> <br/>Horcrux in Harry's scar: please. Please just stop</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Twenty Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Stan Shunpike: So what’s your name then?</p>
<p>Harry: *deadpan, totally serious*<br/>Harry: I am Steve</p>
<p>Stan Shunpike: alrighty then. Steve what?</p>
<p>Harry: *winks at camera and shoots finger guns* Harry: Mr Steve Your-girl<br/>______</p>
<p>Hemione: Don’t do the thing, hoe</p>
<p>Harry: *does the thing*</p>
<p>Hermione: I have raised a disappointment <br/>______</p>
<p>Minerva: So what are your aspirations Mister Weasley</p>
<p>Ron: *shrugs*<br/>Ron: Script permitting, guess I’d like to survive the battle of Hogwarts</p>
<p>Minerva: Script?? the battle of what???</p>
<p>Ron: You heard nothing</p>
<p>Minerva: I – </p>
<p>Ron: nothing.<br/>______</p>
<p>Flitwick: *rolls into class in a pair of hello kitty flashing heelies*<br/>______</p>
<p>Pansy: I’m not saying you’re a piece of shit</p>
<p>Draco: ah thanks-</p>
<p>Pansy: But a lot of people are</p>
<p>Draco: I – </p>
<p>Pansy: and I’m never going to contradict them<br/>______</p>
<p>Minerva: *walks into the classroom*</p>
<p>Bill: *Sneezes*<br/>Bill: Today I learnt I’m allergic to cats. Or teachers. There’s a slight possibility that I am allergic to teachers. Actually, I'm super duper sure that I'm allergic to teachers. I should probably leave to make sure I don’t have a worse reaction in the next minute – <br/>______</p>
<p>Voldemort: *Pats his knee as Draco enters the room*<br/>Voldemort: come on over Draco, have a seat and tell uncle Voldie about your year<br/>______</p>
<p>Harry: *At the zoo, staring at the boa*<br/>Harry: so what’s the problem</p>
<p>Boa: hiss</p>
<p>Harry: yes, but where<br/>______</p>
<p>Dobby: Master has given Dobby a glock!<br/>______</p>
<p>Voldemort: I have lost all feeling in my legs. <br/>Voldemort: *Turns to face the camera*<br/>Voldemort: Because I is snake</p>
<p>*crickets chirp in the distance* </p>
<p>Voldemort: why is no one laughing? I’m literally a snake? I have no legs? I made a funny?<br/>______</p>
<p>Sirius: I’m bisexual </p>
<p>Regulus: I thought your name was Sirius.</p>
<p>Sirius: well yes but</p>
<p>Regulus: my life is a lie<br/>______</p>
<p>Terry: Bros before hoes and all that</p>
<p>Seamus: What if my bro – <br/>Seamus: *Reaches over to grab Dean’s hand*<br/>Seamus: IS my hoe</p>
<p>Dean: *tears up*<br/>______</p>
<p>Harry: someBODY once told me my teachers gonna kill me. He’s hiding Voldemort on his head. There’s a prophecy about me and things are getting crazy I think I should’ve stayed in my bed.  </p>
<p>Ron: *Jumping into the frame, waving his hands like a 90’s rap god*<br/>Ron: Oh! the spells start coming and they won’t stop coming. Dodge the killing curse and we hit the ground running –<br/>______</p>
<p>Ron: *in defence of Harry, glaring up at Snape*<br/>Ron: your nose is bigger than my appetite </p>
<p>Snape: *is genuinely insulted*<br/>______</p>
<p>Rita: and in this article we delve into a teenager’s fabricated love life whilst invading her privacy and destroying her social standing. Turn to page seven for some classic anti-creature propaganda and a bibliography where one half is bullshit and the other is a complicated summoning spell that will bring about the end of all life on earth. </p>
<p>Her publisher: this is fine.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Wanted it to be noted that any and all support for this train wreck is appreciated - I'm just too much of a bloody coward to reply to you all.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. Twenty Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Fudge: Hi, I’m here to ruin everything</p><p>Voldemort: Stop stealing my lines!<br/>______</p><p>Sirius: I’m not just any nanny<br/>Sirius: *Puts his hands on his hips as he smirks down at baby Harry*<br/>Sirius: I’m the best motherfuckin nanny there’s ever gonna be</p><p>(Extra) </p><p>Remus: *left alone with Harry, puts a hand on the baby’s shoulder, dead serious* <br/>Remus: get out while you still can kid, for your own sanity</p><p>Baby Harry: guh<br/>______</p><p>Luna: I don’t know what the word apocalypse means</p><p>Neville: well...</p><p>Luna: not knowing it can’t be the end of the world… <br/>______</p><p>Hermione: *watches as the fat friar moves out of the way for some first years and offers a polite hello*<br/>Hermione: so chivalry IS dead <br/>______</p><p>Lily: James I’m pregnant</p><p>James: Hello pregnant I’m James</p><p>Lily: …</p><p>James: WAIT YOU’RE WHAT –<br/>______</p><p>Dean: so why did you start the fire</p><p>Seamus: why do you always assume that <em>I’m</em> the pyromaniac</p><p>Dean: Seamus.</p><p>Seamus: you have no proof</p><p>Dean: you’re literally roasting a marshmallow over the bush you just set on fire</p><p>Seamus: that just means I’m resourceful </p><p>Dean: I –</p><p>Seamus: want one?<br/>______</p><p>Grindelwald: I hate you </p><p>Albus: love you too &lt;3<br/>______</p><p>Harry: *jumping out of Hagrid’s arms* <br/>Harry: The rumours of my demise have been greatly exaggerated<br/>______</p><p>Susan: My Aunt taught me how to settle confrontation</p><p>Hannah: Through equal negotiation and respect</p><p>Susan: Kick their ass before they kick yours</p><p>Hannah: oh god no <br/>______</p><p>Grindelwald: *alone, locked away in Nurmengard*<br/>Grindelwald: IVE BECOME SO NUMBBBBBBBB<br/>______</p><p>Dementor: yum yum sucky sucky lots of souls in my tummy <br/>______</p><p>Hagrid: Hogwarts is the safest place in the world-</p><p>*Cameras cut to the school as children run screaming from a troll as acromantula swarm the grounds. Minerva dashes past, clutching her robes with one hand and decapitating death eaters with her wand*</p><p>Hagrid: THE SAFEST<br/>______</p><p>Fleur: you’re pale white and ice cold with strange teeth and hair… you never go out into the sunlight and you shy away from human contact. I know what you are.</p><p>Bill: Say it. Out loud.</p><p>Fleur: British<br/>______</p><p>Salazar: I love Responsibility </p><p>Rowena: *unimpressed*<br/>Rowena: no? you hate responsibility </p><p>Salazar: *Later on, pulls out the baby basilisk he’s named Responsibility*<br/>Salazar: shhh, baby. Don’t listen to the mean bird lady</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. Twenty Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dumbledore: -which means that Gryffindor wins the house cup</p><p>Draco: *Standing up and yelling up at the head table* <br/>Draco: HACKS<br/>______</p><p>James and Peter: *burst into dorm with their wands out*<br/>James and Peter: YOU TWO ARE HAVING SEX</p><p>Remus: …</p><p>Sirius: …</p><p>Remus: *Looks over to Sirius and flips to the next page of his book* <br/>Remus: You should’ve told me, Sirius, I can’t feel a thing. Maybe this is why you’re still single <br/>______</p><p>Hogwarts broom cupboard: Bro you wouldn’t believe the shit I’ve seen<br/>______</p><p>Voldemort: make a move and I’ll kill you! </p><p>Harry: *starts dancing*<br/>______</p><p>Bellatrix and Rodolphus: *Burst into the dorm with their wands out*<br/>Bellatrix and Rodolphus: YOU TWO ARE HAVING SEX </p><p>Regulus and Barty: *are actually having sex*<br/>______</p><p>Harry: H-how do you look so young </p><p>Dumbledore: it must be a horcrux</p><p>Voldemort: actually ...<br/>Voldemort: *Looking like a twenty-year old Tom Riddle, shrugs*<br/>Voldemort: yoga and a good diet<br/>______</p><p>Hermione: *channelling her inner kings of leon*<br/>Hermione: ohhhhhhhhhhh oh oh oh oh<br/>Hermione: *pulls out jar of bluebell flames*<br/>Hermione: My professor’s on fire<br/>______</p><p>Person: I killed someone </p><p>Ginny, the Gryffindor: the bad guy, right?<br/>______</p><p>Person: I killed someone </p><p>Cedric, the Hufflepuff: that’s totally okay. Ily no matter what<br/>______</p><p>Person: I killed someone </p><p>Padme, the Ravenclaw: were there any witnesses?<br/>______</p><p>Person: I killed a person </p><p>Theo, the Slytherin: only one?  <br/>______</p><p>Draco: I’m sorry. Is this some poor people joke I’m too rich to understand?<br/>______</p><p>Fleur: sacre bleu? I think you mean sacre fleur </p><p>Gabrielle: I don’t know you.<br/>______</p><p>Credence: I’m just dirt</p><p>Grindelwald: no</p><p>Credence: really?</p><p>Grindelwald: you’re lower than dirt</p><p>Credence: ... oh. Okay.<br/>______</p><p>Lucius: What are you going to do – stare me to death with your bulging eyes???</p><p>Dobby: *raises the dirty sock with malicious intent*</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Twenty Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius: It’s not easy being the disappointment but somehow, I manage to bear the burden<br/>______</p><p>Moody: And the title of greasy twat of the year goes to mudungus flet-</p><p>Snape: EXCuse me there’s clearly been a mistake here. As ten-time reining champ I’d like to contest your decision – <br/>______</p><p>Harry: I’m kinda creeped out by this place</p><p>George: Don’t worry, I’ll hold your hand – </p><p>Harry: That’s my ass.</p><p>George: What are you trying to say.<br/>______</p><p>Shark-headed Viktor: *merrily swims past through the water on his way to pick up his damsel in distress*</p><p>Slytherin who woke up late for the task: *Staring out the common room window*<br/>Slytherin who woke up late for the task: Well now you’re just taking the piss – <br/>______</p><p>Harry: it only took becoming a hostage for me to finally be held by someone who wants to keep me safe </p><p>Bellatrix: what<br/>______</p><p>Sirius: *fires off a charm that turns Regulus' hair neon green and runs off laughing*</p><p>Regulus: this is why mum doesn’t FUCKING love you!<br/>______</p><p>Molly: oh dear me, you’re all skin and bones! You, sir, need a good meal or three in you and a big hug. Come on over here won’t you- </p><p>Voldemort: uhhh<br/>______</p><p>Dumbledore: if the stress of running this school and managing a vigilante group doesn’t kill me, Severus just might </p><p>Minerva: excuse me?</p><p>Dumbledore: I’m joking I’m joking <br/>Dumbledore: *laughs and winks at the camera*</p><p>Minerva: *standing beside him with narrowed eyes*<br/>Minerva: who are you winking at???<br/>______</p><p>Ronan: look at that moon, so clear to the naked eye <br/>Ronan: *scoffs*<br/>Ronan: what a fucking slut <br/>______</p><p>Hermione: *staring up at Gawp* <br/>Hermione: he’s huge!</p><p>Hagrid: hey! He’s big boned! </p><p>Hermione: he's a giant!</p><p>Hagrid: he’s sensitive!<br/>______</p><p>Ron: what would you do if I told you that you’re a figment of someone’s imagination, put into words, that has earned that someone millions </p><p>Harry: buy you a chocolate frog and ask if you’re feeling okay</p><p>Ron: ... <br/>Ron: harry you’re the figment of someone’s imagination, put into words, that has earned that someone millions </p><p>Harry: *sighs and reaches for his money*<br/>______</p><p>Remus: no I do not shout for chocolate when I’m hungry</p><p>James: *crosses arms over his chest and raises his eyebrow in disbelief*</p><p>Remus: *scoffs*<br/>Remus: I howl<br/>______</p><p>Lily: you’re a menace to society.</p><p>James: *genuinely flattered*<br/>James: holy shit. Thank you so much. <br/>______</p><p>Pansy: Merlin’s tits, Draco. Will you stop whining already?</p><p>Draco: what else am I supposed to do... revaluate my life decisions and offer well thought out opinions and quips? </p><p>Pansy: yes?</p><p>Draco: NEVER! </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. Twenty Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Blaise: do you ever think, maybe, that I'M the problem</p><p>Theo: yes </p><p>Tracy: sometimes?</p><p>Daphne: always</p><p>Blaise: ...<br/>Blaise: haha nah me neither <br/>______</p><p>Dumbledore:  Hagrid is a tad clumsy and awkward but I swear his hearts in the right place. We should make him a teacher; he’ll be able to handle some responsibility and the kids will love him</p><p>Hagrid: *runs past screaming with his beard on fire, a baby dragon biting on his head and a herd of hungry threstrals chasing him* </p><p>Dumbledore: he's gonna do great <br/>______</p><p>Hermione: *staring at Minerva* <br/>Hermione: so let me just check. You’re giving me, a twelve-year-old girl known for neglecting her health in the name of studying, access to a device that will let me alter time... so that I can attend some extra classes</p><p>Minerva: yes</p><p>Hermione: and you don’t think that’s even slightly irresponsible </p><p>Minerva: no</p><p>Hermione: and this definitely won’t backfire on either of us </p><p>Minerva: no</p><p>Hermione: *shrugs* <br/>Hermione: right then. Seems legit.<br/>______</p><p>Regulus: *staring at the mirror, pale as he clenches a yellow tie between his fist* <br/>Regulus: badger – badger – badger  <br/>Regulus: *turns of the light and then turns it back on* </p><p>Hufflepuff student: *appears behind him in the mirror’s reflection, smiles and waves*</p><p>Regulus: AHHHHHHHHHSIQNA9KQ0ANWU<br/>______</p><p>Dean: can I help you?</p><p>Seamus: *staring down at his empty packet of matches*<br/>Seamus: nobody can help me now. There is no hope.</p><p>(Extra) </p><p>Dean: you do know there’s a spell for that... right? </p><p>Seamus: *turns around with tears in his eyes as heavenly choirs start up somewhere in the background*<br/>Seamus: how did I ever live without you </p><p>Dean: *shrugs* <br/>Dean: I haven’t quite worked that one out  <br/>______</p><p>Regulus: *crazy eyed, gripping at Barty's robe and pulling him down. Trembling* <br/>Regulus: they’re everywhere Barty! Everywhere! Just. Staring at me! </p><p>Barty: *hands in the air, raises his eyebrows*<br/>Barty: who’s everywhere?</p><p>Regulus: *leans closer, whispers*<br/>Regulus: the badgers, Barty. The motherfucking badgers.<br/>______</p><p>Harry: If seven ate nine, why can’t I just eat all the other numbers so I never have to do maths again</p><p>Horcrux in Harry’s scar: oh my fucking god it gets worse. <br/>______</p><p>Lucius: so the plan is to lie in wait for Potter and jump out and – </p><p>Bellatrix: wish him a merry Christmas </p><p>Lucius: wtf??? no???</p><p>Bellatrix: oh is it Easter </p><p>Lucius: of course not!</p><p>Bellatrix: oh...</p><p>Lucius: it's –<br/> <br/>Bellatrix: IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY!?!?!?</p><p>Lucius: wha – </p><p>Bellatrix: why did nobody tell me??? I’ll bake him a cake </p><p>Lucius: I – </p><p>Bellatrix: chocolate or vanilla? <br/>______</p><p>Harry: if seven ate nine, why can’t I just eat all the other numbers so we never have to do maths again </p><p>Ron: Harry mate.</p><p>Harry: ...yes?</p><p>Ron: you’re a goddamn genius <br/>______</p><p>Susan: auntie </p><p>Amelia: yes? </p><p>Susan: what would you say if I set up a fight club at school</p><p>Amelia: ... </p><p>Susan: hypothetically?</p><p>Amelia: I would demand 15% of your profits to keep my, hypothetical, silence and tell you to make sure not to get caught with your hypothetical illegal gambling and violence </p><p>Susan: what if I, hypothetically, gave you 5%</p><p>Amelia: make it a hypothetical 10% and I’ll give you a hypothetical guide on how to rig the fights and earn more cash </p><p>Susan: you have a deal.</p><p>Amelia: hypothetically?</p><p>Susan: duh<br/>______</p><p>Grey Lady: I put up with over a hundred years of this castle’s goddamn shit and all I get from it is a couple of lines of dialogue in a book, and a crappy backstory that has my murderer floating around in the same stupid castle as me.</p><p>Peeves: at least the films remember your fucking existence <br/>______</p><p>Harry: *before he meets Sirius, staring at padfoot with a frown* <br/>Harry: you know, I don’t think this is a normal dog.</p><p>Padfoot: *opens his mouth and says, in a low and manly voice* <br/>Padfoot: Bark. Bark. </p><p>Harry: *shrugs*<br/>Harry: but hey. What do I know? Maybe it’s just a pedigree </p><p>Padfoot: Bark. I’m a dog. A barking dog...woof.<br/>______</p><p>Dementor: ARGH! NO! THE LIGHT. IT BURNSSSSS</p><p>Second Dementor: Jimmy we’ve talked about this. You’re not a vampire.</p><p>Dementor: shut up, Paul. I can be whatever I want to be.</p><p>Second Dementor: yeah sure. You’re everything but sensible</p><p>Dementor: fuck you</p><p>Second Dementor: so incredibly mature.<br/>______</p><p>Draco: I’m poised, dignified and graceful. Like a cat.</p><p>Harry: You’re right. You’re definitely a pussy. Through and through.<br/>______</p><p>Newt: *frowning* <br/>Newt: honestly. I’m a bit irritated now </p><p>Grindelwald: why do I hear boss music </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I think I'm loosing my mind - this is the perfect conduit for that :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0029"><h2>29. Twenty Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sanguini: *looking up and down an enemy*<br/>Sanguini: See, now. I would bite you… but you look like you’re carrying all sorts of diseases </p><p>Enemy: um</p><p>Sanguini: *sniffs*<br/>Sanguini: I have standards.<br/>______</p><p>Godric: *swinging his sword around like a loon and screaming at the top of his lungs*<br/>Godric: I. AM. INVINCIBLEEEEE<br/>Godric: *falls off of his horse*<br/>______</p><p>Tonks: ha! All those stuffy purebloods laughed at me caus of my dad but – <br/>Tonks: *puts on some expensive muggle sunglasses and casts the strongest lumos she can, enough to blind anyone without sunglasses shaped protection*<br/>Tonks: let’s see who's laughing now<br/>______</p><p>Pansy: *crossing her arms across her chest*<br/>Pansy: life is a bitch. Beat it by being the bigger bitch.<br/>______</p><p>Harry: it’s like you want me to die</p><p>Dumbledore: uhhh... about that...<br/>______</p><p>Snape: So if you know how the death eaters are getting into the castle... can’t you just set up a trap on this end to catch them? The dark lord is scary and all that, but if we’ve already caught all of his followers and we all team up against him… we could probably win… right?</p><p>Dumbledore: *fingers twitch towards the elder wand*<br/>Dumbledore: Severus. </p><p>Snape: uhhhh</p><p>Dumbledore: shut up.</p><p>Snape: shutting up now <br/>______</p><p>Voldemort: *Leaning back in his evil throne and glaring down at Harry*<br/>Voldemort: Answer me this then, Potter… How did you find our top-secret – villainous and extremely stylish – base?!?!? hmMMMMM</p><p>Harry: *Deadpan*<br/>Harry: <em>You</em> kidnapped <em>me</em>, asshole.<br/>______</p><p>Basilisk: *emerges from the statue as ghost-Tom cackles in the background*</p><p>Harry: Nope. Not my problem. Ill send down Snape in a minute – if I get lucky you guys will eat him or something<br/>Harry: *Turns around and leaves*<br/>______</p><p>James: ... Sirius. What are you doing?</p><p>Sirius: *looks up from where he’s wrapped in a blanket – made to look like a cloak – and surrounded by a circle of candles in the dorm. The lights are off*<br/>Sirius: summoning the devil to curse my family. Why? Something up?</p><p>James: uhhh... <br/>James: *starts to close door*<br/>James: nope. Sorry to disturb you.<br/>______</p><p>Hagrid: ah don’t worry. My beasties won’t hurt no one</p><p>Buckbeak: *swallows down someone’s leg and looks to the side. Kicking a bloke's torso behind the back of the hut* </p><p>Hagrid: see? They’re good as gold<br/>______</p><p>Credence: so – uh... you turn into a snake?</p><p>Nagini: no I turn into a hummingbird.</p><p>Credence: really?</p><p>Nagini: NO not really! What did it freaking look like I turned into credence! Do hummingbirds have scales?!?!?!?! <br/>______</p><p>Blaise: do you ever think life is awful and won’t ever get better </p><p>Theo: yeh</p><p>Blaise: how do you deal with it.</p><p>Theo: I tell myself there are people worse off</p><p>Blaise: really?</p><p>Theo: uh huh<br/>Theo: *shrugs* <br/>Theo: I could’ve been born as ugly as you <br/>______</p><p>Regulus: I would like to have sex with you now</p><p>Barty: *wriggles his eyebrows*<br/>Barty: what’s stopping you?</p><p>Regulus: *points to the Hufflepuff in the corner jutting down notes*<br/>Regulus: that.</p><p>(Extra)<br/>Hufflepuff: *looks up and waves his hand* <br/>Hufflepuff: don’t worry, I’ll be quiet. It’ll be like I’m not even here </p><p>Regulus: that doesn’t fix anything!<br/>______</p><p>Ginny: *snapping a death eaters’ neck*<br/>Ginny: now which one of you bitches is actually gonna give me a good fight<br/>______</p><p>Newt: Percival is rather handsome and smart and – </p><p>Theseus: no Newt</p><p>Newt: he’s dashing – </p><p>Theseus: no</p><p>Newt: but – </p><p>Theseus: no.</p><p>Newt: Theseus – </p><p>Theseus: No. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0030"><h2>30. Thirty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lily: I hate you</p><p>James: I love you</p><p>Sirius: *jumping out of nowhere*<br/>Sirius: I HATE THAT I LOVE YOU <br/>______</p><p>Voldemort: *knocks politely on the wand shop’s door*</p><p>Ollivander: *chuckles*<br/>Ollivander: I’m in danger.<br/>______</p><p>Peter: *drops a snotty tissue into the ritual cauldron*<br/>Peter: oops<br/>______</p><p>Percy: *turns to face the hidden camera* <br/>Percy: what nobody knows is that every time Crouch gets my name wrong, I invest 25 of his gallons into a business of my choice <br/>Percy: *checks his notes* <br/>Percy: he’s currently the biggest sponsor of a wizarding hotel chain that prides itself in having ‘single witches ready to be your bitches'<br/>______</p><p>Hermione: *breathless but determined* <br/>Hermione: so plan A and B were a bust. What do we do now? </p><p>Ron: plan C?</p><p>Harry: *nods and gets up from their huddle to wave at Voldemort*<br/>Harry: C you later Voldemort! </p><p>Voldemort: *continues to advance*</p><p>Harry: guys I don’t think it worked <br/>______</p><p>Dumbledore: say his name. Coward. </p><p>Snape: vol – </p><p>Dumbledore: yes...</p><p>Snape: volde – </p><p>Dumbledore: Nearly...</p><p>Snape: Vore.</p><p>Dumbledore: &gt;:(<br/>______</p><p>Draco: so apparently, I’m dramatic???</p><p>Theo: what gave you that idea<br/>______</p><p>Luna: daddy can we get a kneazle?</p><p>Xenophilius: darling, you know I’m allergic</p><p>Luna: you can sleep outside.<br/>______</p><p>Lavender: yeah your godfather is totally a DILF </p><p>Harry: spare me the agony of existence <br/>______</p><p>Harry: you know what I hate? </p><p>Ron: you-know-who?</p><p>Hermione: completing your homework?</p><p>Draco: me?</p><p>Luna: rhubarb?</p><p>Harry: what? No? I hate myself obviously </p><p>Neville: same<br/>______</p><p>Ron: *stares down at stolen copy of the HBP script and clicks his red pen* <br/>Ron: *cackles*<br/>______</p><p>Ollivander: giving kids weapons of mass destruction...<br/>Ollivander: *shrugs*<br/>Ollivander: there’s no way this could possibly go wrong <br/>______</p><p>Fred: if Ginny kills someone...</p><p>George: we'll totally cover for her </p><p>Bill: no that’s my job. You guys run interference and Charlie will dispose of the body via dragon. Come on, we’ve talked about this.<br/>______</p><p>Zacharias: *struts down the corridor* <br/>Zacharias: bitches wish they could look like me <br/>______</p><p>Dumbledore: let us curse you and shove you down into the depths of a lake in the middle of the freezing Scottish countryside. Don’t worry. You’ll be unconscious!</p><p>Hermione: no</p><p>Maximoff: but – </p><p>Ron: no</p><p>Kakaroff: you’re just –</p><p>Gabrielle: no</p><p>Dumbledore: *under his breath*<br/>Dumbledore: fine we'll nab you out of your beds you little whatsits</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0031"><h2>31. Thirty One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>*In a non-magic au*</p><p>Grindewald: I’m the master of – <br/>Grindewald: *Adjusts suit collar*<br/>Grindewald: Dell</p><p>Tina: that’s nice and all but could you please just tell me how to fix my computer</p><p>Grindewald: ... have you tried turning it off and on again<br/>______</p><p>Remus: Sirius... I think I want to date you </p><p>Sirius: yeah, that’s understandable </p><p>Remus: ?</p><p>Sirius: I’d want to date me too<br/>______</p><p>Harry: all my teachers keep trying to kill me but what if – <br/>Harry: *rubs his hands together and grins an evil grin*<br/>Harry: – I kill them first<br/>______</p><p>Regulus: sorry I’m late, some hufflepuffs wanted my autograph <br/>______</p><p>Ron: *looking down at the script with a frown, brandished his pen*<br/>Ron: Snape kills dumbledore??? I think not! <br/>______</p><p>James: not all who wander are lost</p><p>Lily: *crosses her arms over her chest and raises an eyebrow* </p><p>James: *peers down at upside down map*<br/>James: ... I’m sorry<br/>______</p><p>Hogwarts house elf: *peering into a broom cupboard and immediately slamming the door shut with a horrified expression* <br/>Hogwarts house elf: that’s someone else’s problem <br/>______</p><p>Blaise: how drunk would I be if I took a shot every time I made a bad decision? </p><p>Theo: drunk? You’d be dead<br/>______</p><p>Rodolphus: *nods wisely* <br/>Rodolphus: my lord has a <em>killer</em> sense of humour </p><p>Voldemort: *blushes* <br/>______</p><p>Oliver: *smirking*<br/>Oliver: uh oh. Looks like someone’s under the mistletoe!</p><p>Percy: *unintelligible screeching*<br/>______</p><p>Kreacher: *drops a glass of wine, blinks at an annoyed walburga and then up at his ancestor’s heads on the wall* <br/>Kreacher: fuck.<br/>______</p><p>Blaise: *shrugs* <br/>Blaise: there’s no shame in being cute ya know. Look at me, I’m cute as hell and I feel absolutely no shame about it :)</p><p>Theo: you don’t know the meaning of ‘shame'  <br/>______</p><p>Neville: *breathes out, shocked*<br/>Neville: I've figured it out! You’re an arsehole! </p><p>Ron: *smirks, gestures to all of the gryffindors*<br/>Ron: we’re all arseholes here<br/>______</p><p>Luna: I could start a band</p><p>Ginny: What would you even call it? </p><p>Luna: Luna and the wrackspurts. Duh.</p><p>Ginny: luna and the wrackspurts?</p><p>Luna: of course not, Ginny<br/>Luna: *patiently*<br/>Luna: luna and the wrackspurts – duh. The duh is the most important component of my music you see </p><p>Ginny: oh.<br/>______</p><p>Fleur: do you ever feel like someone’s watching you? </p><p>Molly: *casually ignoring Ginny as her daughter clings to the ceiling over the French woman’s head, digging her nails into plaster and hisses at Fleur*<br/>Molly: nope</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0032"><h2>32. Thirty Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Voldemort: I think I need a vacation.<br/>______</p><p>Pansy: what a wanker </p><p>Draco: I beg your pardon?</p><p>Pansy: goddamn right you’re going to beg<br/>______</p><p>Hermione: *in the room of requirement, gasps* <br/>Hermione: is it a horcrux???</p><p>Harry: no.<br/>Harry: *turns around and holds up the diadem*<br/>Harry: it’s cake</p><p>Ron: *nods wisely*<br/>Ron: always has been<br/>______</p><p>Random student: *pushes Regulus in the corridor*</p><p>Hufflepuff: welp you’ve just signed your last will and testament <br/>______</p><p>Voldemort: *falling to his knees* <br/>Voldemort: no! Its cant be! How could I possibly lose?</p><p>Ron: *unimpressed, checking his nails and tucking the script into his back pocket*<br/>Ron: bitch you tried to kill the main character <br/>______</p><p>Percy: ... </p><p>Arthur: what???</p><p>Percy: so, I noticed, back in chapter 20, you said Ginny only has 5 older brothers huh</p><p>Arthur: chapter - ? ah that was...</p><p>Percy: what's up with that. Dearest father?</p><p>Arthur: I can explain?</p><p>Percy: *raises eyebrow*<br/>Percy: I’m telling mum </p><p>Arthur: fuck.<br/>______</p><p>Pince: *peers through a gap in the shelf at a terrified first year, whispers*<br/>Pince: always watching <br/>______</p><p>Sirius: so you’re claiming that you love my little brother </p><p>Barty: don’t know if it's any of your business all considering, but yeah. I do.</p><p>Sirius: would you take the killing curse for him</p><p>Barty: Of course</p><p>Sirius: *nods and claps his hands together*<br/>Sirius: aight. Meet me behind the hogs head in fifteen.<br/>______</p><p>Katy: do you ever think that life is just a simulation some asshole is running whilst he takes bets on all our shitty decisions</p><p>Alicia: no.</p><p>Katy: uhh... me neither?<br/>______</p><p>Regulus: so, you’re claiming that you love my older brother </p><p>Remus: *nervously sweating, looks to the side* <br/>Remus: uh... yeah? </p><p>Regulus: *narrows his eyes, leaning closer* <br/>Regulus: how many times were you dropped on your head as an infant?<br/>______</p><p>Harry: so how did you know that Slughorn's drink was poisoned? </p><p>Ron: *stuffing the script into his bag* <br/>Ron: luck <br/>______</p><p>Trelawney: *head snapping up, stares out the window, whispers* <br/>Trelawney: a disturbance in the force, I feel <br/>______</p><p>Seamus: *holding lit match closer to his face* <br/>Seamus: do you think fire tastes hot </p><p>Dean: Seamus no </p><p>Seamus: Seamus yes<br/>______</p><p>Sirius: Remus! Do the thing! </p><p>Remus: *deadpan, turns around to face Sirius, says* <br/>Remus: howl</p><p>Sirius: who gave you permission to be sassy </p><p>Remus: it’s a defence mechanism, Sirius. The only way to fight off your stupidity.<br/>______</p><p>Pomona: I wish umbridge would just...</p><p>Sinistra: make like a tree and leaf?</p><p>Pomona: fuck off</p><p>Sinistra: oh</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0033"><h2>33. Thirty Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>Harry: *cracking his fists and glaring* <br/>Harry: one bone down, two hundred and five to go. You don’t stand a chance.</p><p>Lucius: kid what the fuck <br/>________</p><p>Sirius: *casually scanning a book as Orion sits opposite eating his breakfast*</p><p>Orion: what are you reading about </p><p>Sirius: *deadpan*<br/>Sirius: patricide <br/>________</p><p>Theo: *sitting at home covered in cats*<br/>Theo: I care about living marginally more than I did yesterday<br/>________</p><p>Voldemort: if you turn out to be a traitor, imma fuck you up big time </p><p>Snape: *under his breath*<br/>Snape: I’ll welcome death <br/>________</p><p>Quidditch commentator: got any tips for your fans? </p><p>Krum: it takes 45 muscles to frown but only 10 to smile.<br/>Krum: *nods confidently* <br/>Krum: continue to frown. Train yourself. Get some abs as you gather those gainz<br/>________</p><p>Voldemort: so... can I have a redemption arc yet?</p><p>Harry: *straight-faced, slams his door in the dark lord’s face* <br/>________</p><p>Regulus: *getting nervous* </p><p>Sirius: *smiles and puts a hand on his brother’s shoulder* <br/>Sirius: hey, don’t worry. I’m here. </p><p>Regulus: *begins to sweat* <br/>________</p><p>Salazar: ha! Could a depressed man do this?!?!? <br/>Salazar: *ties his shoelaces* </p><p>Rowena: *watching from afar* <br/>Rowena: so... are we gonna tell him he’s wearing his shoes on the wrong feet? </p><p>Helena: *solemn, shakes her head* <br/>Helena: let him have this, if nothing else, dear<br/>________</p><p>Bellatrix: *realising she’s surrounded*<br/>Bellatrix: You’ll never take me alive! </p><p>Molly: *rolls up sleeves* <br/>Molly: fine by me<br/>________</p><p>Sirius: *crosses his arms across his chest*<br/>Sirius: its him or me, Remus. You’re going to have to make a choice, buddy.</p><p>Remus: I’m not choosing between my boyfriend and my -<br/>Remus: *gestures at the nearby perch* <br/>Remus: bloody owl, Sirius</p><p>Sirius: but you’re only allowed one pet at Hogwarts Moony! This is for your own sake! I dont want you to be expelled! Make a choice. Dog or owl.</p><p>(Extra) </p><p>James: uhhh, Sirius you’ve been moping for three days now. What’s up?</p><p>Sirius: *mumbles under breath* <br/>Sirius: he chose the fuckin owl<br/>________</p><p>Villain: you should stop now – we have your son! </p><p>Minerva: stop? Why would I stop? I don’t have a son</p><p>Villain: then who’s sitting alternating between shouting at us, agonising over the lack of hair gel in his cell and telling crude jokes to his reflection in a small puddle of water </p><p>Minerva: ... oh Merlin. You poor thing. You’ve found Sirius.<br/>________</p><p>Petunia: I didn’t raise you to be a wizard! </p><p>Harry: course you didn’t. That implies you played some role in raising me <br/>________</p><p>Susan: you’re being charged for the illegal use of fiendfyre. Why would you do this? </p><p>Justin: look. It was a big bug. Do you blame me? </p><p>Susan: you burned down three houses!</p><p>Justin: they were calculated losses <br/>________</p><p>Cho: yes, I’m a ravenclaw. Yes, I’m smart. No, I’m not about to do your homework. Step up you lazy fucker </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0034"><h2>34. Thirty Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Blaise: good luck people, or as they say in Italian –</p><p>Blaise: *speaks Italian*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Neville: so I’m not saying I’d kill you if you knock over that potted geranium, but I’m certainly not saying that I wouldn’t</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Rolf: talk dirty to me</p><p> </p><p>Luna: mud, dust... <em>limescale</em></p><p> </p><p>Rolf: I KNEW there was a reason I married you</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Merlin: hey... do you think they’ll remember me? Our legacies?</p><p> </p><p>Morgana: ha! You’ve got more beard than personality – maybe they’ll remember that!</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: *casually scanning a book as Orion sits opposite eating his breakfast*</p><p> </p><p>Orion: what are you reading about</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: *smiles*</p><p>Regulus: fratricide</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Ginny: sorry. You don’t fit the bill.</p><p> </p><p>Fleur: don’t worry... the Bill fits perfectly fine in me</p><p> </p><p>Ginny: *speechless*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Percy: plausible deniability is my friend.</p><p> </p><p>Fred and George: *run past screaming, hair dyed pink*</p><p> </p><p>Percy: *smiles*</p><p>Percy: my <em>best </em>friend</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Hermione: so your dad is in trouble because he made a flying car?</p><p> </p><p>Ron: nah. He’s in trouble because it never passed its MOT</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Theo: good luck Blaise. Or as they say in French –</p><p>Theo: go fuck yourself</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: Theo I uh. I don’t think that was French</p><p> </p><p>Theo: course it was, this is how the French end their sentences</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: but</p><p> </p><p>Theo: Au revoir. Go fuck yourself.</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Hermione: I’d like to spend my holiday AT THE LIBRARY</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Harry: *perched in a tree*</p><p>Harry: it’s over Voldemort! I HAVE THE HIGH GROUND!</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Snape: *alone in his new office for the first time since Dumbledore’s death*</p><p>Snape: I guess it couldn’t hurt...</p><p>Snape: *pulls sorting hat on*</p><p> </p><p>Sorting hat: GRYFFINDOR!</p><p> </p><p>Snape: exCUSE ME</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Harry: I’m going to be a hero! –</p><p>Harry: *rolls over and snuggles back into his pillow*</p><p>Harry: – tommorow</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Moody: wanna know how I got these scars???</p><p> </p><p>Tonks: no thank you</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: howl do you always look so good? ;)</p><p> </p><p>Remus: i still don’t understand how you manage to exist as a functional human being.</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: it’s my only talent</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>There's a nifty little ATLA reference in this one - I've dug myself into an avatar pit and I ain't getting out anytime soon...</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0035"><h2>35. Thirty Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>Barty: *scoffs* <br/>Barty: of course, Regulus fell in love with me. I know how to use a muggle coffee machine<br/>________</p><p>James: ooh things are getting steamy my dear </p><p>Lily: *unimpressed*<br/>Lily: well yes james. That’s normally what happens when you come in from the cold wearing glasses <br/>________</p><p>Walburga: what are you reading?</p><p>Orion: our sons introduced me to a new series. I'm on book three.</p><p>Walburga: what's it about? </p><p>Orion: *looks her in the eye. Dead serious* <br/>Orion: Uxoricide.<br/>________</p><p>Draco: *runs up to Harry, wand in mouth* <br/>Draco: ‘ook! I f'und et! </p><p>Harry: *more than a bit horrified*<br/>Harry: wait – didn’t I send you to fetch that back in chapter three - ?!?!?<br/>________</p><p>Hermione: how much would some manners cost you, Malfoy? </p><p>Draco: more than you can afford <br/>________</p><p>Regulus: Barty is staying over, we'll be in my room</p><p>Sirius: *gasps dramatically* <br/>Sirius: and they were roommates!?</p><p>Regulus: Sirius, he's my boyfriend.</p><p>Sirius: ... <br/>Sirius: AND THEY WERE ROOMMATES <br/>________</p><p>Dean: you’re just one car crash after another, ain’t you </p><p>Zacharias: what’s a car and why is it crashing <br/>________</p><p>Ron: *becomes chess champion of Hogwarts for the fifth year running* </p><p>Hermione: *blushes and fans herself with Hogwarts: a history*<br/>________</p><p>Theseus: *frowning as he stares between Grindelwald and Dumbledore before he finally shakes his head and shrugs* <br/>Theseus: still a better love story than twilight <br/>________</p><p>Minerva in her animagus form: *gets stuck in a tree* <br/>Minerva in her animagus form: shit<br/>________</p><p>Newt: would you like to meet my animals, mr Graves?</p><p>Graves: *internally, panicking* <br/>Graves: oh god oh fuck. I’m already meeting the fam. Do I look okay? What if they don’t like me? Should I grab a mint? Is the Nundu as overprotective as Tina makes it out to be? <br/>Graves: *externally, calm* <br/>Graves: I presume there’s nothing too illegal inside? </p><p>Newt: um<br/>________</p><p>Arthur: *to a group of angry purebloods* <br/>Arthur: see I would pretend to be nice to you but a blizzard swept through my lovely crop field and took with it all the freshly planted fucks I had left to hand out </p><p>Purebloods: ...</p><p>Arthur: it’s a pity, those things are expensive <br/>________</p><p>Helena: our friend is now a bird. A bird with sharp talons and lots and lots of feathers.</p><p>Rowena: *caw* </p><p>Helena: Godric, this is ALL your fault.</p><p>Godric: ... that’s fair.</p><p>Rowena: *CAW*<br/>________</p><p>Harry: *standing in front of mirror* <br/>Harry: now you see me – <br/>Harry: *raises his invisibility cloak* <br/>Harry: – now you don’t! </p><p>*silent and empty room remains silent and empty* </p><p>Harry: *drops the cloak with a sigh* <br/>Harry: merlin, I’m lonely <br/>________</p><p>Neville: sometimes the plants just won’t grow and you have to beat them into submission </p><p>Hannah: uhhh</p><p>Luna: *nods wisely* <br/>Luna: it do be like that sometimes </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Ain't been in a funny mood lately... I'll still try my best :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0036"><h2>36. Thirty Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Sirius: *finger guns out*</p><p>Sirius: hey there you fine young thing ;)</p><p> </p><p>*Luscious blonde head turns around to reveal a confused Lucius Malfoy*</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: *finger guns drooping in sadness*</p><p> </p><p>Lucius: care to amend your comment Black?</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: hey there you thing</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: three words and I’m yours</p><p> </p><p>Barty: I punched Sirius</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: *swoons*</p><p> </p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Voldemort: *shifting in place awkwardly*</p><p>Voldemort: have we found it yet?</p><p> </p><p>Harry: *sighs, shakes his head and adjusts his hippy glasses, blowing out a ring of smoke from his pipe and sitting cross legged in a field beside the dark lord*</p><p>Harry: slow down Tom</p><p> </p><p>Voldemort: I thought you said this would be a more efficient method</p><p>Voldemort: *pulls at the flower crown perched on top of his bald head*</p><p> </p><p>Dumbledore: *from Harry’s other side, chuckles*</p><p>Dumbledore: one does not simply find enlightenment, Tom. Enlightenment finds you</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>999 receiver: hello, what’s your emergency?</p><p> </p><p>Platform worker: hi there... there's a kid here who’s just knocked himself out by running headfirst into a brick pillar...</p><p> </p><p>999 receiver: great. Another one.</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: wait, you like me for my personality?</p><p> </p><p>Remus: I know. It surprised me too.</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Barty: hey, Regulus, do you want a quickie?</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: I’m going to guess you were asking if I wanted to get some quiche?</p><p> </p><p>Barty: we can do that too if you want</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Hufflepuff: it’s not stalking, it’s a very secretive friendship</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Dumbledore: change is inevitable</p><p> </p><p>Snape: you know what else is inevitable?</p><p> </p><p>Dumbledore: uhhh</p><p> </p><p>Snape: my slow and irrevocable descent into madness.</p><p> </p><p>Dumbledore: oh dear</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Harry: will you please listen? I’m not the chosen one!</p><p> </p><p>The entire leaky cauldron: he is the chosen one!</p><p> </p><p>Quirrell: *under his breath*</p><p>Quirrell: he’s not the chosen one! He’s a very naughty boy!</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>*in hogsmeade curiosity shop*</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: I shouldn’t</p><p>Regulus: *reaching down to the display*</p><p>Regulus: I really shouldn’t</p><p>Regulus: *grabs his money*</p><p>Regulus: damn it.</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: *walks out with a shiny new badger pin*</p><p> </p><p>(Hufflepuff secretary: *notes that down*)</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Umbridge: *tutting*</p><p>Umbridge: your cv is rather lacking in these year Mister Potter. You expect to get a good profession like this?</p><p> </p><p>Harry: you’re pointing at 1982, professor </p><p> </p><p>Umbridge: is that supposed to be an explanation?</p><p> </p><p>Harry: i was <em>two, professor</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Umbridge: age is never an excuse Mister Potter</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Ron: quick! You have to grab my hand!</p><p> </p><p>Hermione: *grabs his hand*</p><p>Hermione: now what!?</p><p> </p><p>Ron: *blushes*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Theo: *smiling softly as he stairs up at Hogwarts*</p><p>Theo: think of all the stairs I can throw myself down</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: …I think we need to have a talk.</p><p>________</p><p>*Following the Dementors* </p><p>Mundungus: whatever happened... I had nothing to do with it</p><p> </p><p>Figg: that’s the problem!</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Kreacher: *casually tossing powder into the fire, deadpan*</p><p>Kreacher: oh I really hope someone doesn’t come to number twelve grimmauld place on the xx of this month in order to interrupt a TOP secret meeting that includes someone with a really long white beard... that would be <em>awful... so</em> sad.... I'd cry</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0037"><h2>37. Thirty Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>Percy: *staring up at Oliver with fogged up glasses as he clutches a coffee cup to his chest like its a teddy bear*<br/>Percy: wait... are you flirting with me?</p><p>Oliver: *Shaking his head*<br/>Oliver: I can’t believe it took you five years to realise this<br/>________</p><p>Hermione: begone thot!</p><p>Pansy: no<br/>________</p><p>Teacher: right! Let’s put somethings we like into this box – </p><p>Barty: *picks up Regulus who doesn’t even bother to protest, just continues to read his book*<br/>Barty: I think we’re going to need a bigger box <br/>________</p><p>Blaise: can I give you some advice </p><p>Theo: no</p><p>Blaise: ... I’m gonna give you some advice </p><p>Theo: why do I even bother?<br/>________</p><p>Grindelwald: *checks his reflection in the dirty puddle of water in the corner of his cell*<br/>Grindelwald: i still got it <br/>________</p><p>Draco: I don’t care – I said uncaringly as I stared into the distance and continued to seriously care about this serious issue that I really care about because how couldn’t I care? I’m not heartless? Oh my god does everyone think I’m heartless? This is awful what can I – </p><p>Tracy: *watching disbelieving for nearby and shaking her head*<br/>Tracy: you’re saying this out loud… why are you like this???<br/>________</p><p>Theseus: Why are you running Percival?</p><p>Graves: YOU’RE CHASING ME </p><p>Theseus: I want a hug! </p><p>Graves: YOU’RE HOLDING A KNIFE </p><p>Theseus: You’re going blind!</p><p>Graves: OH GOD YOU'VE GOT TWO NOW<br/>________</p><p>Neville: *finger guns in Luna’s direction*<br/>Neville: I hate my last name</p><p>Luna: why?</p><p>Neville: ‘caus it isn’t yours ;)</p><p>Luna: ...<br/>Luna: are you going to kill me climb into my flesh and steal my identity?</p><p>Neville: what no – </p><p>Luna: you really are brave to tell me that face to face, definitely Gryffindor<br/>________</p><p>Theo: ... what did you say about Blaise?</p><p>Fellow Slytherin: uhh... he’s a bit annoying ain’t he? </p><p>Theo: ...<br/>Theo: *rolls up his sleeves and reaches for his wand*<br/>________</p><p>Harry: having an existential crisis is so last week. Now I just sit in the great hall and try to beat my treacle tart record <br/>________</p><p>Remus: ... what do you mean no pets allowed</p><p>His parents: *looking between him and Sirius* <br/>His parents: we think you know EXACTLY what we mean <br/>________</p><p>Graves: your family is crazy</p><p>Newt: I mean. Only a little bit</p><p>Graves: your brother stabbed me</p><p>Newt: he shows affection in strange ways</p><p>Graves: he was laughing </p><p>Newt: he wanted you to have fun!</p><p>Graves: ...</p><p>Newt: which knife did he use? </p><p>Graves: there were two of them</p><p>Newt: he must really like you!<br/>________</p><p>Minerva: you’re late</p><p>James: no, I’m James.<br/>________</p><p>Dumbledore: *strokes his beard and grins when he finds a lemon drop*<br/>________</p><p>Voldemort: Severus… are you a spy?</p><p>Snape: no?</p><p>Voldemort: … </p><p>Snape: …</p><p>Voldemort: I believe you</p><p>Snape: it doesn’t sound like you believe me.</p><p>Voldemort: I TOTALLY believe you</p><p>Snape: - you sound like - </p><p>Voldemort: TOTALLY</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0038"><h2>38. Thirty Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Harry: you want to be my friend?</p><p> </p><p>Draco: ew</p><p> </p><p>Harry: you asked me first!</p><p> </p><p>Draco: … doesn’t stop it from sounding disgusting</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Ronan: I’m a whore for apples and carrots</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: wake up!</p><p> </p><p>Theo: *groaning into his pillow*</p><p>Theo: I’m not sleeping, I’m dead. You’re not invited to my funeral, get out</p><p> </p><p>(extra)</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: I have chocolate?</p><p> </p><p>Theo: …</p><p>Theo: dead-me finds this to be an acceptable offering</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Minerva: all I want for Christmas is…</p><p>Minerva: *sassily spins round and points at Umbridge*</p><p>Minerva: For you to get the fuck out of my castleeeeee</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Flitwick: *waving his wand*</p><p>Flitwick: bippity boppity boo</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: bi, bi</p><p> </p><p>Remus: are you telling me to leave?</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: no –</p><p>Sirius: *pulls out the bisexual pride flag from <em>somewhere</em>*</p><p>Sirius: – I’m announcing my interest</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Ron: *stumbles and drops some books before falling on his ass*</p><p>Ron: ow</p><p> </p><p>Hermione: are the books okay?</p><p> </p><p>Ron: *wipes a single tear away and rubs a blossoming bruise*</p><p>Ron: … yeah… <em>they’re </em>fine</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Sanguini: *face to face with Cedric Diggory*</p><p>Sanguine: I feel like you exist to ruin all my integrity</p><p> </p><p>Cedric: um</p><p> </p><p>Sanguini: whatever you do… don’t get bit… I enjoy my fearsome reputation</p><p> </p><p>Cedric: K</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Lily: I love you</p><p> </p><p>James: I know</p><p> </p><p>Lily: … this joke has already been used, James</p><p> </p><p>James: I know</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Snape: Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble –</p><p> </p><p>Dumbledore: *opens door and goes to enter*</p><p> </p><p>Snape: GET OUT OF MY ROOM</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Salazar: *raises a 30ft killer basilisk with a taste for muggleborn students and a habit of listening to crazed psychopaths*</p><p>Salazar: it ate someone?</p><p>Salazar: oops</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Trelawney: *peering down at Minerva from a higher staircase*</p><p>Trelawney: I’m onto you, omen of darkness</p><p> </p><p>Minerva: *in cat form*</p><p>Minerva: *licks paw*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: *wiggles eyebrows at Remus*</p><p>Sirius: I’m up for anything</p><p> </p><p>Remus: Go and have a pleasant conversation with Snape then</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: anything but that</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Voldemort: *patting baby Harry on the head proudly*</p><p>Voldemort: This bad boy can hold ALL the killing curses</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Barty: *Sitting down with his army of hufflepuffs*</p><p>Barty: aight. So what are our policies gonna be</p><p> </p><p>Hufflepuffs: *share evil grins*</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: *sitting besides Barty, sinks lower into his seat and puts his head into his hands*</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Holy shit LimeOfMagicLimo - the little art you linked in your comment? Amazing, adorable and totally on point. I can't explain how excited I was to see it :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0039"><h2>39. Thirty Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Harry: I’m fine</p><p> </p><p>Ron: There are no bones in your arm!</p><p> </p><p>Harry: …. I’m probably fine?</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Abraxas: Walburga is so damn loud. I don’t understand how you put up with her</p><p> </p><p>Orion: hmm?</p><p>Orion: *pulls cotton balls out of ears*</p><p>Orion: did you say something?</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Credence: I have a lot of potential</p><p> </p><p>JK: I acknowledge that</p><p> </p><p>Credence: really?</p><p> </p><p>JK: lol nope. You’re just a cog in my Grindelwald x dumbledore fanfiction machine</p><p> </p><p>Credence: oh</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>James: i love you</p><p> </p><p>Baby Harry: guh</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Teacher: detention!</p><p> </p><p>Hermione: guess I’ll die then</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Barty: I’m here to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth</p><p> </p><p>Judge: good</p><p> </p><p>Barty: Regulus’ ass sure looks fine in those trousers</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: *sinks lower into his chair*</p><p>Regulus: I don’t fucking know you</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Voldemort: 1 v 1 me on Mario Kart and then we can talk</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Hogwarts Elves: food glorious foooddddd ~</p><p>Hogwarts Elves: *turn to face the camera and stare into the audience’s soul, deapan*</p><p>Hogwarts Elves: Cross us and we’ll fill it with nightshade</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: *waggles his eyebrows*</p><p>Sirius: I used to hate facial hair, but then it… <em>grew</em> on me</p><p> </p><p>Dementor: *claps bony hands together excitedly*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Tina: I pride myself on my practicality</p><p> </p><p>Newt: *walks into room, rubbing at his eyes*</p><p> </p><p>Tina: Oh my god you’re precious and I love you. Who hurt you? Who do I have to kill?</p><p> </p><p>Newt: *confused*</p><p>Newt: Um. I have hay fever?</p><p> </p><p>Tina: *raising fist up and shouting to the sky*</p><p>Tina: CURSE YOU FOUL ALLERGIES</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Seamus: *strolling back into common room*</p><p>Seamus: I’m back and better than ever ya’ll</p><p> </p><p>Dean: …</p><p>Dean: your hair is on fire</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Oliver: will you be my forever broom?</p><p> </p><p>Percy: I think you mean groom, Oliver</p><p> </p><p>Oliver: I know what I said.</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Little Harry in his cupboard: I identify as a sachet of BBQ sauce</p><p> </p><p>Horcrux in his scar: *unintelligible screaming*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Pettigrew: So yes, I did it. I <strong>rat</strong>ted them out.</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Luna: fantasy is so boring</p><p>Luna: but… reality…</p><p>Luna: *turns to look at you. Yes you. You know exactly who I’m talking about. Don’t look away from your screen. She’s talking to you. *</p><p>Luna: *s m i l e s*</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0040"><h2>40. Forty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p><p>Harry: *dies to try and kill Voldemort and then comes back to life and actually kills Voldemort*</p><p>Harry: task failed successfully</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: any fight is winnable when you have a horde of angry badgers</p><p> </p><p>Nearby Hufflepuff: you damn right it is</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Harry: *Eight years old, running through the streets screaming and waving his fists*</p><p>Harry: I AM THE TERMINATOR! FEAR ME!</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Ron: all I want for Christmas is my family to be alive, happy and together to celebrate. I want my friends to be happy and I want everyone to be content</p><p>Ron: *checks his mum isn’t nearby*</p><p>Ron: If that’s too much to ask for… a few hundred galleons doesn’t sound <em>unbearable</em></p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Voldemort the taxman: YOU THOUGHT YOU SAW THE LAST OF ME! YOU WILL NEVER ESCAPE THE HORROR OF YOUR MORGTAGE AND ABYSMAL RETIREMENT FUND!</p><p> </p><p>Everyone: *screams*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: you want to know why I’m not scared of you?</p><p> </p><p>Theo: Well yeah? Everyone’s intimidated by me. Draco used to make a cross and recite the old testament under his breath when I passed him in the corridor. </p><p> </p><p>Blaise: honestly? My mums way scarier than you can ever hope to be</p><p> </p><p>Theo: oh... makes sense</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: :)</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Goyle: you’ll never guess what –</p><p> </p><p>Crabbe: what?</p><p> </p><p>Goyle: *gasps*</p><p>Goyle: You guessed what!</p><p> </p><p>Crabbe: what?</p><p> </p><p>Goyle: what!</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Ernie: introducing! This fine specimen of a man! He’s handsome, he’s strong, and he’s full of confidence. He’s always presentable and he’s always got your back. The man who hasn’t given me back the quill he borrowed from me two years ago and keeps asking for more and never remembers to pay me back and my parents are starting to think I have a quill obsession because i keep having to give him more and then he loses them faster than I can buy them and always seems to ask ME for help and I don’t have ANY QUILLS LEFT TO GIVE.</p><p> </p><p>Justin: …</p><p> </p><p>Ernie: It’s Justin!</p><p>Ernie: *nods to himself*</p><p>Ernie: I’m a great wingman, right?</p><p> </p><p>Justin: …</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Dobby: *appearing in the kitchens as the final battle begins*</p><p>Dobby: VIVA LE ELF-OLUTION</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: *falls through the veil and into an alternate universe where he’s a goat farmer in the alps, living with his husband Remus the famous sheepdog trainer*</p><p>Sirius: … I can live with this</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Sorting hat: *on Tom Riddle’s head*</p><p>Sorting hat: Well lookie here, looks like we got another budding psychopath</p><p>Sorting hat: question is…</p><p>Sorting hat: Slytherin or Hufflepuff</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: what are you?</p><p> </p><p>Barty: I’m an idiot?</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: try again…</p><p> </p><p>Barty: oh!</p><p>Barty: *smiles*</p><p>Barty: I’m YOUR idiot</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: *nods proudly*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Hedwig: COO COO MOTHERFUCKA</p><p> </p><p>Harry: *embarrassed, trying to shush her*</p><p>Harry: Hedwig we’ve talked about this</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Snape: *somewhere, probably*</p><p>Snape: My potter senses are tingling</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Draco: you shine like the sun, my dear</p><p> </p><p>Astoria: oh yes, I love being compared to a giant ball of gas.</p><p> </p><p>Draco: uh- i-</p><p> </p><p>Astoria: no seriously, compliment me more</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I have returned... :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0041"><h2>41. Forty One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Justin: … so I was wondering if I could borrow a quill?</p>
<p>Ernie: *unintelligible screaming*<br/>________</p>
<p>Quirrelmort: so, who else did you suspect was trying to steal the stone, Potter?</p>
<p>Harry: uh… Hagrid?<br/>________</p>
<p>Petunia: why hire a cleaner when you can force you malnourished nephew into doing ALL the work. For free!</p>
<p>Harry: *in background, unenthusiastic deadpan*<br/>Harry: *jazz hands*<br/>________</p>
<p>Lupin: you know</p>
<p>Snape: what.</p>
<p>Lupin: *smiles pleasantly*<br/>Lupin: I’m getting real fucking fed up of all your bullshit<br/>________</p>
<p>Hermione: *to Draco*<br/>Hermione: you wanted to go to Durmstrang right? What about Ilvermorny?</p>
<p>Draco: …? What?</p>
<p>Hermione: you know, the prestigious magic school in America</p>
<p>Draco: wait. America is real?<br/>________</p>
<p>Hogwarts express: TOOT TOOT <br/>________</p>
<p>James: why are you smiling?<br/>Sirius: *presses his hand to his chest, offended*<br/>Sirius: Can’t I just be happy, Jamie?</p>
<p>Remus: Bellatrix accidently dropped a chandelier on herself </p>
<p>James: I- </p>
<p>Remus: don’t ask<br/>________</p>
<p>Barty: you want a cup of coffee</p>
<p>Regulus: nope – <br/>Regulus: *pulls a bucket from underneath the kitchen table*<br/>Regulus: fill it up.<br/>________</p>
<p>Katie: you bored?</p>
<p>Alicia: yeah, I guess</p>
<p>Katie… hi bored, I’m Katie</p>
<p>Alicia: what did I ever do to deserve this </p>
<p>Katie: :)<br/>________</p>
<p>Draco: manners can’t be bought… but I can pay you to ignore me</p>
<p>Pansy: Draco you owe me 16 years of forced ignorance. Pay up. <br/>________</p>
<p>Harry: *sits down*</p>
<p>Wand in his back pocket: *snaps*</p>
<p>*credits roll*<br/>________</p>
<p>Daphne: he died of natural consequences </p>
<p>Tracy: *peering over Daphne’s shoulder*<br/>Tracy: he fell down the stairs</p>
<p>Daphne: *checks nails*<br/>Daphne: gravity, duh<br/>________</p>
<p>Penelope: what’s the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?</p>
<p>Percy: *silently points at Oliver*<br/>________</p>
<p>Sirius: *narrows his eyes, glaring forward seriously, wiggles his fingers*<br/>Sirius: I can feel peak dumbass approaching, I’m ready<br/>________</p>
<p>Ron: *slams red pen down on the table with a pile of paper*<br/>Ron: so, I’ve written a musical… you in?</p>
<p>Harry: ye.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0042"><h2>42. Forty Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bellatrix: I’d die for you, milord</p><p> </p><p>Voldemort: K</p><p>________</p><p>Pettigrew: mmmmm cheese</p><p>________</p><p>Hermione: *flirts with someone*</p><p> </p><p>The person: *flirts back*</p><p> </p><p>Hermione: wait what no this wasn’t in my calculations this isn’t supposed to happen why would you do this-</p><p>________</p><p>Lucius: *throwing galleons at goblins*</p><p>Lucius: look at me making it fkin <em>rain </em>bois.</p><p> </p><p>Narcissa: I don’t know this man, I don’t know this man, idon’tknowthisman</p><p>________</p><p>Ginny: I’ve beaten up so many older kids that the younger lot have started paying me… time to make a profitable business out of this</p><p>________</p><p>Krum: I need to buy a library -</p><p> </p><p>Krum’s dad: … why?</p><p> </p><p>Krum: – only then will Hermione love me</p><p>________</p><p>Blaise: what’re you doing?</p><p> </p><p>Theo: smiling?</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: why does it look painful?</p><p>________</p><p>Regulus: *in his head*</p><p>Regulus: I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m just bullshitting this entire thing I have no fkin clue. Should I be writing stuff down. <em>Why is everyone else okay with this</em>?</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: *outwardly*</p><p>Regulus: *sniffs in contempt*</p><p>Regulus: easy</p><p>________</p><p>Newt: *deadpan*</p><p>Newt: theseus… do you want me to be happy?</p><p> </p><p>Theseus: You want to shag the head of the DMLE!</p><p> </p><p>Newt: Right. No hugs.</p><p> </p><p>Theseus: …no hugs? Like. Not even one?</p><p> </p><p>Newt: <em>None</em></p><p>________</p><p>Cerberus: Woof</p><p> </p><p>Cerberus: woof</p><p> </p><p>Cerberus: woof</p><p>________</p><p>Sirius: well I can’t do that, stress is bad for baby</p><p> </p><p>Remus; who’s baby?</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: I’m baby</p><p> </p><p>Remus: *Raises eyebrows*</p><p>Remus: is ‘baby’ code for ‘delusional’?</p><p>________</p><p>Bill: I’m getting my ears pierced, dad, and you can’t stop me!</p><p> </p><p>Arthur: I’m telling your mother</p><p> </p><p>Bill: WAIT –</p><p>________</p><p>Harry: *tapes a sword to the front of the night bus*</p><p>Harry: now it’s the <em>KNIGHT </em>bus-</p><p>________</p><p>Voldemort: say no to drugs, kid</p><p>Voldemort: *turns to face invisible camera*</p><p>Voldemort: but <em>do </em>use the imperio. That’s the good shit.</p><p>________</p><p>Blaise: *smiles up at Theo, butter smeared over his chin and shirt rumpled*</p><p> </p><p>Theo: *Heart thumps in his chest, thinks*</p><p>Theo: oh no. Oh merlin <em>no</em>. Not like this. Please. Not <em>him</em>.</p><p>Theo: *butterflies starts fluttering about in his chest*</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: u okay?</p><p> </p><p>Theo: fuCK</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0043"><h2>43. Forty Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Harry: the quickest way to my heart is sharing mutual interests and hobbies</p><p> </p><p>Ginny: *beams*</p><p>Ginny: possession via dark lord counts as a hobby… right?</p><p> </p><p>Harry: *shrugs*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Molly: what do you wanna be when you grow up, dear?</p><p> </p><p>Charlie: dragon.</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Draco: *to Crabbe and Goyle*</p><p>Draco: Don’t smile – you’ll ruin my aesthetic</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Trelawney: everyone always asks me ‘what’s up’ – why does no one ask me ‘who’s up’ or ‘why’s up’</p><p>Trelawney: I mean. I don’t have the answers but I’d like to have some options here</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Dobby: Dobby will faithfully serve Harry Potter!</p><p> </p><p>Harry: okay but I have one request</p><p> </p><p>Dobby: ?</p><p> </p><p>Harry: call me T-800</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Voldemort: *meeting Narcissa and Bellatrix for the first time*</p><p>Voldemort: did they send me daughters? When I asked for sons?</p><p> </p><p>Narcissa: *under her breath, glaring*</p><p>Narcissa: carry on with that misogyny bullshit and I’ll send you a nice coffin, commissioned especially for you</p><p> </p><p>Voldemort: *shuts up*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Harry: you’re trying to kill Ginny?!?!?</p><p> </p><p>Diary Tom: She’s sleeping!</p><p> </p><p>Harry: in the chamber of secrets?!?!?</p><p> </p><p>Diary Tom: … with the fishes</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Remus: I’ve got a song stuck in my head…</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: bad moon rising?</p><p> </p><p>Peter: Man on the moon?</p><p> </p><p>James: Bark at the moon?</p><p> </p><p>Lily: moonlight shadow?</p><p> </p><p>Remus: no! – wait LILY?!</p><p> </p><p>Lily: *shrugs*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Minerva: any questions?</p><p> </p><p>Fred: if you take your glasses off and then turn into your Animagus form – will the glasses marks on your face disappear or stay?</p><p> </p><p>Minerva: I-</p><p> </p><p>George: are they a personality trait?</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: *wearing a yellow scarf*</p><p>Regulus: if I close my eyes, I’m fashionable. If I close my eyes, I’m fashionable. If I close my eyes, I’m-</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Nearly headless Nick: *watches hand phase through a cupcake*</p><p>Nearly headless Nick: :(</p><p> ________</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: Theo’s been weird recently</p><p> </p><p>Daphne: *looks between Blaise and Theo – who’s couched on top the library shelf and staring down at them*</p><p>Daphne: yeah no. I am <em>not</em> getting involved.</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: ?</p><p> </p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: god I want some alco-</p><p> </p><p>Barty: water!</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: no. I want alco-</p><p> </p><p>Barty: WATER!</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Fleur: *nods thoughtfully*</p><p>Fleur: I’m up to shank a bit-</p><p>Fleur: *notices Gabrielle sitting in the corner*</p><p>Fleur: lady</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: I want alcohol</p><p> </p><p>Remus: k</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: wait why didn’t you try and stop me from fueling my bad habits? Don’t you care about me?</p><p> </p><p>Remus: I’ve given up.</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: oh</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0044"><h2>44. Forty Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Merry Chrimmas! Or just a regular or non-specific Merry Day for the rest of you folks :)<br/> 'Av a good one</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Blaise: Theo’s been weird recently</p><p> </p><p>Tracy: no</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: but I haven’t even said anything yet –</p><p> </p><p>Tracy: No.</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: *sighs*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Ginny: I don’t like you</p><p> </p><p>Fleur: stoppppp please</p><p>Fleur: *checks nail*</p><p>Fleur: my heart is breaking</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Slughorn: *sighs dreamily*</p><p>Slughorn: I miss my childhood innocence</p><p> </p><p>Mclaggen: *backs away*</p><p>Mclaggen: ew</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Narcissa: I have feelings for you</p><p> </p><p>Lucius: ah?!</p><p> </p><p>Narcissa: you’re irritating.</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Lavender: hi there –</p><p>Lavender: *waves*</p><p>Lavender: I’m extra fabulous, extra dramatic, and extra done with your shit.</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Theo: do you have a moment or are you too busy regretting your life choices</p><p> </p><p>Tracy: hmmm…</p><p>Tracy: get back to me in 10</p><p> </p><p>Theo: understandable</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Ron: I eat to forget the void inside of me</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Umbridge: I believe he is pink with envy</p><p> </p><p>Fudge: what? Don’t you mean green with-</p><p> </p><p>Umbridge: PINK with envy</p><p> </p><p>Fudge: oh. i see?</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: *looking down*</p><p>Blaise: why are you hitting me?</p><p> </p><p>Theo: *under his breath*</p><p>Theo: I’m hitting ON you.</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Draco: *poses in front of mirror, whispers*</p><p>Draco: vogue</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: I want a dog</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: well, everyone longs for a friend that’s on the same level</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: I-</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: you know. Emotional, physical, intellectual, mental…</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: you can stop now</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: oh no, I’ve got more</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Seamus: *warming his hands over a fire in the middle of the great hall*</p><p> </p><p>Dumbledore: *Sitting beside him with a marshmallow on a stick*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Voldemort: I am the dark lord! I kill people!</p><p> </p><p>Harry: do you take requests?</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Fred: me and George don’t actually twin speak you know. He just really enjoys interrupting me</p><p>Fred: I'm surprised he didn't just now-</p><p> </p><p>George: orangutans! </p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Rabastan: *deadpan, waving a fake wand for a bunch of toddler purebloods*</p><p>Rabastan: abracadabra.</p>
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<a name="section0045"><h2>45. Forty Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Theo: sorry I’m late. I was doing things.</p><p>Draco: Things?</p><p>Blaise: THEO!<br/>Blaise: *stumbles into room*<br/>Blaise: why did you just push me down the stairs?!?!</p><p>Theo: *nods to Draco, ignoring Blaise*<br/>Theo: things.<br/>________</p><p>Harry: what is this.</p><p>Luna: *handing him a quill*<br/>Luna: your will<br/>Luna: write me in it so I get the life insurance pay-out</p><p>Harry: oh.<br/>________</p><p>Bill: what is love, baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more</p><p>Fleur: k<br/>________</p><p>Barty: *pats Regulus’ head*</p><p>Regulus: what is this.</p><p>Barty: affection. </p><p>Regulus: ew<br/>Regulus: do it again<br/>________</p><p>Lily: you alright Sev? </p><p>Snape: I don’t want to talk about this</p><p>Lily: oh what… is there… a snape in your boots?</p><p>Snape: I’m not smiling </p><p>Lily: of course, you’re not ;)<br/>________</p><p>Nagini: hiss</p><p>Voldemort: no, you can’t eat the prime minister </p><p>Nagini: HISS</p><p>Voldemort: *sighs*<br/>Voldemort: yet<br/>________</p><p>Moody: *comes across a sleeping Tonks*<br/>Moody: …<br/>Moody: *whispers*<br/>Moody: constant vigilance… can wait till tomorrow… this once<br/>________</p><p>Regulus: *to Remus, about Sirius*<br/>Regulus: our parents have a love hate relationship</p><p>Remus: oh?</p><p>Regulus: it’s mostly hate</p><p>Remus: uhh</p><p>Regulus: okay fine... it's all hate</p><p>________</p><p>Dedalus: diggle diggle diggle diggle diggle YEAH<br/>________</p><p>Tracy: your mum has house rules? That’s not that weird, all families have traditions</p><p>Blaise: I guess</p><p>Tracy: well, uh, what’s rule seven then</p><p>Blaise: *fishes in pocket and pulls out a small suspicious box*<br/>Blaise: always carry a ring on you in case sudden seduction, marriage and assassination is required to deal with a target</p><p>Tracy: oh</p><p>Blaise: what?</p><p>Theo: *in background*<br/>Theo: *swoons*<br/>________</p><p>Dumbledore: *flips his beard over his shoulder dramatically and sashays out of the room*<br/>________</p><p>Teddy: hi-?</p><p>Ron: *presses his fingers to his lips and looks around worriedly*<br/>Ron: shhhh<br/>Ron: the script ain’t got you in it so I’ve had to scribble you in. You only ave a few speaking parts</p><p>Teddy: aren’t I supposed to be a baby right now? </p><p>Ron: when you get a script of your own, you can make the rules<br/>________</p><p>Bellatrix: are you threatening me</p><p>Rodolphus: yes?</p><p>Bellatrix: … that’s kinda hot<br/>________</p><p>Cedric: so, you want me to play quidditch. In the pouring rain. With dementors surrounding the pitch.<br/>Cedric: mate I’m sorry. I can’t do this<br/>Cedric: I just got my hair done. <br/>________</p><p>Oliver: YOU WANNA FIGHT!?!?!</p><p>Percy: not particularly </p><p>Oliver: oh. Okay</p><p>Percy: …<br/>Percy: *sighs*<br/>Percy: do you want to fight </p><p>Oliver: *quietly*<br/>Oliver: please.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0046"><h2>46. Forty Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><br/>Harry: I need a hero, by Bonnie Tyler, except I am the hero and I want a day off<br/>________</p><p>James: close your eyes</p><p>Sirius: … okay?</p><p>James: what do you see?</p><p>Sirius: not a lot</p><p>James: …</p><p>Sirius: okay, okay, I see nothing</p><p>James: that’s my world without you</p><p>Sirius: bro &lt;3</p><p>________</p><p>Therapist: have you ever thought about why you want to commit mass genocide Mr Voldemort?</p><p>Voldemort: no<br/>Voldemort: *shrugs*<br/>Voldemort: but I have thought about how… if that helps<br/>________</p><p>Regulus: close your eyes</p><p>Sirius: *thinking he knows what’s up, closes his eyes and waits with a smile*</p><p>Sirius: *continues waiting*<br/>Sirius: *is still waiting*<br/>Sirius: *still waiting*</p><p>-15 minutes later-<br/>Sirius: *opens eyes to an empty room*<br/>Sirius: well, fuck you too, Reggie<br/>________</p><p>Grindelwald: it’s okay if I’m evil ‘caus I’m sexy</p><p>Dumbledore: *nods furiously in background*<br/>________</p><p>Harry: *first DADA lesson*<br/>Harry: feel free to interrupt me if there’s anything you don’t understand – I guess I’ll start like one of the teachers…<br/>Harry: *waves awkwardly*<br/>Harry: my name’s Harry Pot-</p><p>Luna: no.</p><p>Harry: what</p><p>Luna: you're <em>lying</em> </p><p>Harry: I - <br/>________</p><p>Scabior: it’s not mud, it’s creative battle armour<br/>________</p><p>Snape: once you reach the bottom the only way is up?<br/>Snape: fools<br/>Snape: I have a wand and I know how to use it<br/>Snape: *starts casting reducto at the floor as the rest of the staff look on in horror*<br/>________</p><p>Dumbledore: Harry DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF – </p><p>Ron: *smashes a pot into the back of the headmaster’s head and starts dragging him off screen, muttering about inadequacy and scene changes*<br/>________</p><p>Barty: *points at the train station before he heads off to Hogwarts*<br/>Barty: who is that, dad?</p><p>Crouch senior: I think that’s Regulus Black.</p><p>Barty: he’s pretty</p><p>Crouch Senior: he’s going to grow dangerous with his family’s influence, stay away from him</p><p>Barty: so... you don’t like him?</p><p>Crouch senior: no.</p><p>Barty: well now he’s even prettier<br/>________</p><p>Grindelwald: I am the master of<br/>Grindelwald: *inhales deeply*<br/>Grindelwald: breath</p><p>Dumbledore: *pulls out opera glasses as Grindelwald starts belting out Vedro con mio diletto*<br/>________</p><p>Neville: *sending a peace sign at his reflection as he lifts weights with the other hand*<br/>Neville: I have ALL the swag<br/>________</p><p>Krum: I can have a personality you know, it’s not illegal</p><p>Ron: *tutting under his breath and tapping his quill to the page*<br/>Ron: well, the script says otherwise. <br/>Ron: *shrugs*<br/>Ron: now pump your fist in the air and shut your gob buster <br/>________</p><p>Molly: Bill… did you do your homework?</p><p>Bill: *jumps out of the window to avoid the situation*<br/>________</p><p>Remus: things could be worse</p><p>Peter: really?</p><p>Remus: no, I lied</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0047"><h2>47. Forty Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Theo: *awkwardly*<br/>Teo: … my heart skips a beat sometimes</p><p>Blaise: …</p><p>Theo: … when I look… at you</p><p>Blaise: *genuinely worried*<br/>Blaise: should I take you to the hospital wing?</p><p>(Extra)</p><p>Theo: yes. In your arms</p><p>Blaise: Theo you’re the taller one and we know spells. That’s such a stupid idea. Think of the stairs. You’ll break my back!</p><p>Theo: … oh… okay<br/>________</p><p>Harry: *falls off Buckbeak on their first flight*</p><p>*credits roll*<br/>________</p><p>Hermione: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS??!?!?!?!?</p><p>Pansy: FOR ATTENTION!!!<br/>________</p><p>Barty: kiss me!</p><p>Regulus: k</p><p>Barty: … try to sound a little more eager Reg</p><p>Regulus: K.<br/>________</p><p>Pansy: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS??!?!?!?!?</p><p>Hermione: BECAUSE I CAN!!!</p><p>Pansy: NO, YOU CAN’T!!!!</p><p>Hermione: yes, I ca- wait what- how did you<br/>________</p><p>Dumbledore: you know, maybe it isn’t the smartest idea to send a group of first years into the forbidden forest at midnight with only Hagrid to protect them.</p><p>Minerva: yeah, no shit<br/>________</p><p>Harry: so, the book… is what connects you to life?</p><p>Tom: ye</p><p>Harry: *grabs the journal and yeets it into the basilisks open mouth*<br/>Harry: oops<br/>________</p><p>Cedric: *pats Krum on the back*<br/>Cedric: we be hufflebuddies now <br/>________</p><p>Newt: insult me. I can take it.</p><p>Percival: … I…. can’t<br/>________</p><p>Dumbledore: we must choose between what is right, and what is easy</p><p>Harry: easy</p><p>Dumbledore: no, I mean- </p><p>Harry: I choose easy.<br/>________<br/>Umbridge: ahem, hem, hem</p><p>Tailor: ohhh, you want the hem adjusted?<br/>________</p><p>Voldemort: are you ready to duel, Potter?</p><p>Harry: um<br/>Harry: *kicks out the dark lord’s knees*<br/>________</p><p>Ginny: my milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard… I really am a great businesswomen <br/>________</p><p>Dumbledore: oh, fuck me -</p><p>Grindelwald: no thanks, I have standards</p><p>Dumbledore: *is incredibly insulted*<br/>________</p><p>Minerva: be quiet<br/>James: [this command is not currently available]</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0048"><h2>48. Forty Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lucius: excuse me?!</p><p>Regulus: you’re excused<br/>________</p><p>Hermione: I wish I had less patience</p><p>Harry: ?</p><p>Hermione: then I’d have a go at you every time you do something stupid, instead of just the big things</p><p>Harry: you do have a go at me</p><p>Hermione: *raises eyebrows*<br/>Hermione: do I really though?</p><p>Ron: stop Hermione, you're scaring the child <br/>________</p><p>Blaise: the stars are beautiful tonight </p><p>Theo: mm</p><p>Blaise: you know what else is beautiful </p><p>Theo: *commences gay panic* <br/>Theo: whut </p><p>Blaise: a hogwarts feast. Merlin I’m hungry<br/>________</p><p>Draco: *winking at his reflection in a shop window*<br/>Draco: because I’m worth it</p><p>Pansy: *walking beside him, under her breath*<br/>Pansy: because you’re worthless<br/>________</p><p>Harry: *swaying after the portkey, looking around curiously*<br/>Harry: where are we dumbledore?</p><p>Dumbledore: *clears throat*<br/>Dumbledore: well, that’s a landmass, and that’s a landmass, and that’s a landmass and that’s.... that’s the fooken sea<br/>________</p><p>Lucius: hi ho, hi ho, it’s off to – </p><p>Bellatrix: KILL MUDBLOODS</p><p>Lucius: – WORK we go<br/>________</p><p>Charlie: aight. I’m out <br/>Charlie: *jumps onto a dragon and flies off into the sunset*<br/>________</p><p>Theo: I dont need friends. They disappoint me </p><p>Blaise: *suddenly falling from ceiling*<br/>Blaise: SOMEONE NEEDS A HUG!</p><p>Theo: *unintelligible screaming*<br/>________</p><p>Ron: I’ve got 99 problems and you’re 1 to 98</p><p>Mclaggen: oh<br/>Mclaggen: … what’s the last problem </p><p>Ron: taxes.<br/>________</p><p>Luna: it’s raining! <br/>Luna: mother magic must be crying! <br/>Luna: what a coward <br/>________</p><p>Daphne: I’ve accepted that things wont always go my way </p><p>Pansy: surprisingly mature from you, what made you realise that?</p><p>Daphne: I met you<br/>________</p><p>Molly: we need to save money, what can we live without </p><p>Percy: fred and George <br/>________</p><p>Newt: I love you </p><p>Percival: love I you too</p><p>Newt: ?</p><p>Percival: I you love too</p><p>Newt: …</p><p>Percival: you love I too?</p><p>Newt: I get it... I think?<br/>________</p><p>*at the Malfoy ball*</p><p>Lucius: arent you happy to be here?</p><p>Snape: shut<br/>________</p><p>Oliver: *whistling under his breath* <br/>Oliver: I ain’t gay but holy shit percy weasley has an ass on him</p><p>Katy: you’re a dirty liar is what you are </p><p>Oliver: … you don’t think his ass is nice?</p><p>Katy: I wish you were doing this on purpose </p>
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<a name="section0049"><h2>49. Forty Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Theo: uhh truth or dare</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: easy hours – hit me with a dare</p><p> </p><p>Theo: marry me?</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: oh</p><p> </p><p>Theo: uh – wait that’s a joke! I –</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: *grabs ring case out of pocket*</p><p>Blaise: thought a dare from you would be harder than that</p><p> </p><p>Theo: bwuqnaokq0wjrbyw</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Ginny: yeah I ain’t into this situation</p><p>Ginny: *hops on her broom and disappears off into the distance*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Orion: okay so one of my sons is in the head of a cult and one is a leather clad asshole but I swear I tried to raise them right –</p><p> </p><p>Walburga: *running past in the background*</p><p>Walburga: BLoOdPuRItY!</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Pandora: oh hey Regulus, how’s your cult going?</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: … my… you know about that?</p><p> </p><p>Pandora: duh.</p><p>Pandora: I’m the brains behind that shit. I do the accounting and budgeting when Barty's busy beating the crap out of your enemies. You've got a surprisingly large amount of those.</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: I-</p><p> </p><p>Pandora: got those Ravenclaw smarts mate</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Molly: *shouting upstairs*</p><p>Molly: ARTHUR?!</p><p> </p><p>Arthur: *Shouting back down*</p><p>Arthur: WHAT?!</p><p> </p><p>Molly: DID FRED JUST FALL DOWN THE TOILET AGAIN?!</p><p> </p><p>Arthur: NO?!</p><p>Arthur: …</p><p>Arthur: IT WAS GEORGE I THINK</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Luna: my Ravenclaw senses are tingling</p><p> </p><p>Xenophilius: you’re just like you’re mother, dear</p><p> </p><p>Luna: yep</p><p>Luna: *turns around to smile at her dad*</p><p>Luna: … tired of your shit</p><p> </p><p>Xenophilius: *under his breath*</p><p>Xenophilius: the resemblance really is uncanny</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Riddle: I Am Lord Voldemort!</p><p> </p><p>Harry: oh no –</p><p>Harry: well anyway</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Hermione: *claps hands together*</p><p>Hermione: 9/10 dentists agree that you should shut the frick up</p><p> </p><p>Pansy: I don’t even know what that is but somehow I’m offended</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Tracey: *looks at everyone squaring up at the last battle*</p><p>Tracey: *starts streaming on Facebook*</p><p>Tracey: hi guys and gals, what’s up its ya girl, back at it again with some murder and mayhem</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Lucius: im so sorry</p><p> </p><p>Rabastan: for what?</p><p> </p><p>Lucius: that a spell hasn’t been made yet that’ll be able to fix your face</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: is this really necessary?</p><p> </p><p>Hufflepuffs behind him: *tugging on the reins to his baby harness*</p><p>Hufflepuffs behind him: it’s for your own good, people keep kidnapping you</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: yeah! <strong>Your</strong> people! </p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Grindelwald: *points at his new casino*</p><p>Grindelwald: I’m the master of bets!</p><p> </p><p>Dumbledore: getting further and further away from the point there, Gellert but kudos for the effort</p><p> </p><p>Grindelwald: *hissing out of the side of his mouth*</p><p>Grindelwald: shut up!</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Lily: I’m tired of idiots</p><p> </p><p>James: :(</p><p> </p><p>Lily: but I guess I don’t mind you</p><p> </p><p>James: :)</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Lavender: Look at the new perfume I just made! It’s a very appropriate scent!</p><p><span class="u"><em><strong>Lavender</strong></em></span>: *smiles*</p><p>Lavender: pomegranate</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Winky: *winks*</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0050"><h2>50. Fifty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I have somehow managed to send out fifty chapters of this and people actually like them??? <br/>Thanks to everyone for the support :) <br/>My only goals are to make people smile and make these characters do progressively stupider things</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lockhart: do I remember anything?</p><p>Lockhart: …</p><p>Lockhart: I remember how hot I am</p><p>________</p><p>Ron: You’re my favourite brother</p><p> </p><p>Errol: hoot</p><p>________</p><p>Harry: You’re Voldemort?!</p><p> </p><p>Riddle: I pulled a sneaky on you</p><p>________</p><p>Walburga: you are a fool</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: eh, I’ve been called worse</p><p> </p><p>Walburga: like what</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: your son.</p><p>________</p><p>James: I love you</p><p> </p><p>Lily: love you too</p><p> </p><p>James: … but I love you more, right?</p><p> </p><p>Lily: Not everything is a competition</p><p> </p><p>James: … but I do, right?</p><p> </p><p>Lily: james</p><p> </p><p>James: like. Only by a little but still more</p><p> </p><p>Lily: James.</p><p>________</p><p>Cedric: mmmm</p><p> </p><p>Cho: ?</p><p>Cedric: fruit pastilles</p><p>________</p><p>*before they get together*</p><p>Barty: I love you</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: aight. You’re going to the hospital wing</p><p>________</p><p>Ginny: chances of dying because Harry Potter hiccupped next to you and you trip over your own two feet and fall down the stairs are low</p><p>Ginny: but never zero</p><p>________</p><p>Theo: im a positive person!</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: … I don’t believe it</p><p> </p><p>Theo: I’m positive that death is inevitable and the end is nigh</p><p>________</p><p>Bill: I want nothing to do with this</p><p>Bill: *dramatically faints into Fleur’s arms as she sighs and dutifully drags him away*</p><p>________</p><p>Harry: *watching soaps on tv, narrows his eyes*</p><p>Harry: I have enough problems already; I don’t care about your illicit affair with the next-door hot Latino cousin, Deidre.</p><p> </p><p>Ron: *reaching for the popcorn*</p><p>Ron: Speak for yourself, Margaret’s getting hot and heavy with her ex-husband’s wife.</p><p> </p><p>Hermione: *reluctantly fascinated*</p><p>Hermione: I didn’t know pensioners could be this spry</p><p>________</p><p>Minerva: *Hands on hips, angry*</p><p>Minerva: do you mind?!?!?</p><p> </p><p>Dumbledore: no, not really</p><p>________</p><p>Sirius: love is dead</p><p> </p><p>Remus: I didn’t mean to burn the chocolate cake</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: DEAD.</p><p>________</p><p>Theo: let’s go to Hogsmeade together</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: on valentines?</p><p> </p><p>Theo: I – yes.</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: does that mean that you –</p><p> </p><p>Theo: yes</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: want to sit in the shrieking shack and figure out whether or not the ghost is in there and if ghosts can eat valentine’s chocolate because I am really interested in figuring out the limitations of intangibility</p><p> </p><p>Theo: right – what.</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: cool it’s a date</p><p> </p><p>Theo: I</p><p>Theo: you know what, sure.</p><p>________</p><p>Molly: where are your brothers</p><p> </p><p>Percy: I lost them in the crowd</p><p> </p><p>Molly: and you didn’t try to find them?!?!</p><p> </p><p>Percy: no</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0051"><h2>51. Fifty One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Blaise: Theo told me he loved me when we were in the shrieking shack for valentines</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Daphne: finally – what did you say?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Blaise: *face in hands*</p>
<p>Blaise: “Do you think ghosts prefer Maltesers or KitKat”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Daphne: rip</p>
<p>________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Fred and George: *look at each other and nod*</p>
<p>Fred and George: we are not interested</p>
<p>Fred and George: *spontaneously dematerialize*</p>
<p>________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seamus: I’m highly creative with my lighting choices</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Dean: you set the building on fire</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Seamus: c r e a t i v e</p>
<p>________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Narcissa: *two weeks into marriage*</p>
<p>Narcissa: I love my husband</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Narcissa: *Two years into the marriage, reaching for her alcohol*</p>
<p>Narcissa: I tolerate my husband</p>
<p>Narcissa: *pours a shot*</p>
<p>Narcissa: barely</p>
<p>________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tracy: he asked - okay.... how did you reply to that?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Theo: *head in hands*</p>
<p>Theo: “Cadbury milk chocolates.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Tracy: Theo</p>
<p>________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Harry: Can’t live under the stairs if there are no stairs!</p>
<p>Harry: *laughs in bulldozer*</p>
<p>________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Newt: *picking at the petals of a sunflower*</p>
<p>Newt: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me – oh damn it!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Niffler: *runs off with the flower in his mouth*</p>
<p>________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Luna: I’m here to talk to the nargles and beat your ass, and the last nargle just floated out of the window</p>
<p>________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Ron: I wish I were a red Peugeot 508; I don’t even know what it is but I wish I were born one</p>
<p>________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cake shop: what do you want the birthday cake to say?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bellatrix: it talks?!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cake shop: …</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Bellatrix: …</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Cake shop: Probably?</p>
<p>________</p>
<p>
  
</p>
<p>Voldemort: How dare you enter my hideout – walking to your death like a fool!</p>
<p>Voldemort: *under his breath*</p>
<p>Voldemort: how did you even find us mate, you’re way ahead of schedule</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Harry: I’m here to kill you!</p>
<p>Harry: *under his breath*</p>
<p>Harry: I took a wrong turn on my way to the kitchens and I am <em>very </em>lost... and hungry.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Both of them: *pantomime a big fight as they eat lunch*</p>
<p>________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Grindelwald: *winks at his reflection over his shoulder*</p>
<p>Grindelwald: my ass – the eight wonder of the world</p>
<p>________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oliver: *pouting in the corner*</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Angela: do I wanna know what happened?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Percy: *rolls his eyes and flicks to the next page in his book*</p>
<p>Percy: I told him I wouldn’t roleplay with him</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Angela: … what did he want to roleplay</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Percy: *deadpan*</p>
<p>Percy: he wanted to be a keeper – and, well - I’d be the bludger he beats off</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Angela: I’m so sorry</p>
<p>________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Barty: what do you want your last words to be?</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Regulus: "finally, what took you so long."</p>
<p>________</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Filch: pain is temporary but stains are forever</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0052"><h2>52. Fifty Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean: I’m going to kill you</p><p> </p><p>Seamus: Sure, I’m a huge advocate of homie-cide</p><p> </p><p>Dean: *unintelligible screaming*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Snape: I’m not alone – you’re alone</p><p> </p><p>Lucius: … im married</p><p> </p><p>Snape: or so you think</p><p>Lucius: what do you mea – Snape. Snape! Did you fake my signature for divorce papers again?</p><p> </p><p>Snape: she signed them willingly</p><p> </p><p>Lucius: she always signs them willingly</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Rita: Subtlety is illegal on Thursdays</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>James: I hear Malfoy was at the Christmas party</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: mmm</p><p> </p><p>James: have fun?</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: mmm</p><p> </p><p>James: right...</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: in other news – I prevented a murder</p><p> </p><p>James: you what – how?!</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: self-control</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Draco: Crabbe is trying his best</p><p> </p><p>Snape: Mr Malfoy… your friend can’t count to ten</p><p> </p><p>Draco: He’s trying his best.</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Remus: I know what I’m doing</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: oh look, the shack’s on fire</p><p> </p><p>Remus: *closes eyes, pinches nose, sighs*</p><p>Remus: I do not know what I’m doing</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Arthur: oh yes, I know her, we dated</p><p> </p><p>Molly: Arthur we’ve been married for fifteen years</p><p> </p><p>Arthur: but we did date before that tho</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Ron: Good news, I learned a new charm</p><p>Ron: Bad news, I am now stuck to the ceiling</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Daphne: Blaise, you’re in charge</p><p>Blaise: wait – what – really?!?!?</p><p> </p><p>Daphne: no.</p><p>Daphne: I’m not that stupid, Tracey, you’re up</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: :(</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Harry: you tried to kill me with a snake!</p><p>Harry: *holds up basilisk fang*</p><p>Harry: … can I keep it?</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Hermione: I’ve got some advice for you –</p><p> </p><p>Draco: I don’t want advi –</p><p> </p><p>Hermione: take that stick out of your ass and learn some manners</p><p> </p><p>Draco: I</p><p> </p><p>Hermione: pretty please</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: sorry I’m late I was doing some research</p><p> </p><p>Barty: Researching my –</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: shut</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Percy: I hate this</p><p>Percy: *throws stack of parchment into the air and runs away*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Little Harry: do you think bacteria is capable of debating moral decision making</p><p> </p><p>Horcrux in his scar: …</p><p>Horcrux: you know what, I actually think that –</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Dumbledore: here’s the plan,</p><p>Dumbledore: there is no plan</p><p> </p><p>Harry: *blinks*</p><p>Harry: sounds legit</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0053"><h2>53. Fifty Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Lockhart: that’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen</p><p> </p><p>Ron: what, a basilisk?</p><p> </p><p>Lockhart: no – worse than that</p><p>Lockhart: <em>Responsibility</em></p><p>________</p><p>
  
</p><p>Hufflepuff: *hands Regulus a suspicious package*</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: … what did you do?</p><p> </p><p>Hufflepuff: well…</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: What. Did. You. Do.</p><p> </p><p>Hufflepuff: look, Flamel will just think he misplaced it</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Hagrid: *Standing next to a dragon*</p><p>Hagrid: this is my new –</p><p> </p><p>Harry: dragon.</p><p> </p><p>Hagrid: <em>Cat</em></p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Theo: Romeo and Juliet?</p><p>Theo: I raise you myself and my crippling inability to tell my oblivious best friend that I’ve gone and fallen in love with him like an idiot</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: sorry, did’ya say something?</p><p> </p><p>Theo: no</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: I like your name</p><p> </p><p>Remus: and I like it when you do your own homework instead of trying to copy mine</p><p>Remus: *pats Sirius’ cheek and rolls his eyes*</p><p>Remus: maybe try not to be an asshole for <em>one </em>minute?</p><p> </p><p>Sirius: …</p><p>Sirius: I like your eyes too?</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Hermione: You read my diary?!?!?!</p><p> </p><p>Ron: in my defence, I thought it was an encyclopaedia</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: did you, or did you not, make my cult following steal the merlin damned philosopher’s stone.</p><p> </p><p>Barty: hey – it was their idea</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: BARTY</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Newt: Who needs regard for personal safety when I can stroke a thunderbird –</p><p> </p><p>Theseus: Newt no –</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Draco: Pansy</p><p> </p><p>Pansy: what</p><p> </p><p>Draco: are you – are you being sarcastic?</p><p> </p><p>Pansy: noooo</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Ernie: *hiding a new pack of quill behind his back and checking around the corners for Justin*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Cho: Cedric! Are you bleeding?!?</p><p> </p><p>Cedric: pshh</p><p>Cedric: *waves her off*</p><p>Cedric: only internally</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Bill: *signs a legal document with a glittery rainbow quill*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Fred: introducing our newest invention – spell proof robes</p><p> </p><p>George: if you get hit, there’s a hole left behind</p><p> </p><p>Fred: proof!</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Ron: yeah – no</p><p>Ron: *Rubs out his lines in the script and slowly fades away, flashing a peace sign as he goes*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Percy: according to my calculations, I’ve lost the ability to give a damn</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0054"><h2>54. Fifty Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Am alive</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Remus: *flashing a peace sign*<br/>Remus: here’s a thirty-day trial to being a respectable human being</p><p> </p><p>James: … where do I sign up</p><p> </p><p>Remus: *starts to walk away*</p><p> </p><p>James: Remus no</p><p> </p><p>Remus: *starts running*</p><p> </p><p>James: WHERE DO I SIGN UP REMUS – WHERE DO I SIGN UPPPPP</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Harry: *gets stabbed*</p><p>Harry: what do you mean I’m dying. I don’t feel anything. There is absolutely nothing wrong.</p><p> </p><p>Harry: *gets a paper cut*</p><p>Harry: AHHH IT BURNS THE AGONY – WHY GOD – WHY</p><p> </p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Hermione: my mood right now? Hmmm</p><p>Hermione: I feel the overwhelming urge to smack a bigot</p><p>Hermione: *looking around hopefully*</p><p>Hermione: .... any volunteers?</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Luna: *menacing uwu*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: who needs hot water when you can bathe in the tears of your enemies</p><p> </p><p>Barty: what –</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: or my own tears i guess</p><p> </p><p>Barty: reg...</p><p> </p><p>Regulus: I am, so very, very sad</p><p> </p><p>(Extra)</p><p> </p><p>Barty: *thrusting philosophers stone into Regulus' face*</p><p>Barty: But I got you shiny?!?!? Pls, no more sad???? </p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Voldemort: join me!</p><p> </p><p>Harry: no</p><p> </p><p>Voldemort: understandable, have a great day!</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Percy: *staring up at the ceiling, hasn’t slept in eight days*</p><p>Percy: Shrek but donkey and the dragon are the main love couple</p><p> </p><p>Oliver: *wide eyed, lying next to him*</p><p>Oliver: I- there are no words</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: I love –</p><p> </p><p>Theo: *eager, leaning forward*</p><p>Theo: yeah - ?!</p><p> </p><p>Blaise: *abruptly losing all confidence, in deadpan*</p><p>Blaise: lasagna</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Ginny: I'm so lonely, my parents aren’t home ;)</p><p> </p><p>Harry: don’t worry – they’ll come back</p><p> </p><p>Ginny: wha – oh. OH.</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Dean: *staring down at job prospectus, reads out loud*</p><p>Dean: where do I see myself in seven years?</p><p>Dean: *voice cracks*</p><p>Dean: I just want to make it to Friday mate –</p><p> </p><p>Seamus: *cackles in the background*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Draco: financial irresponsibility is the best kind of irresponsibility</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Harry: *To a dying Voldemort*</p><p>Harry: I hope you burn in hell</p><p> </p><p>Voldemort: well that’s a bit rude isn’t it now –</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Graves: Will you marry me</p><p> </p><p>Newt: …</p><p> </p><p>Graves: *sighs*</p><p>Graves: yes you can keep your animals</p><p> </p><p>Newt: …</p><p> </p><p>Graves: *sights even louder*</p><p>Graves: yes Dougal can sleep in the bed with us</p><p> </p><p>Newt: :)</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Minerva: Albus, what is in that mug</p><p> </p><p>Dumbledore: … tea</p><p> </p><p>Minerva: <em>Albus</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>Dumbledore: whisk-tea</p><p> </p><p>Flitwick: *toasts him with a bottle of tequila*</p><p>________</p><p> </p><p>Voldemort: shouldn’t you kids be in school?</p><p> </p><p>Ron: shouldn’t you have a nose?</p><p> </p>
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